Why Wait?

   I tend to wait to get close to people. I slowly warm up to someone once I have determined that they are indeed a good person. I will wait sometimes months to years before they get to see the real me. 

  I realize where I first developed this habit is when I was in school. I learned that being myself and open up to early got me bullied and hurt. So I developed making walls around people I don’t really know.

   I developed how I think someone might see me, or comment on me if they see me relax my guard. I live in fear of getting humiliated or having them disgust at simply seeing me at all. I created my own prison.

  Now I don’t always actively think about all of this , but more of a trained response. Instead of speaking loudly and clearly I will speak very softly as to not offend the person listening to me. I will usually keep to myself, because it’s a comfort zone. 

  I have never truly beat this response of mine. I think I have when I talk more confidently and become more talkative and out there, but it was not the first interaction with said person. My first interaction is always (internally) stay away from me and I will seclude myself to my comforts. 

   I don’t think I ever really acknowledged my behaviors before about how I always go into new interactions with people. I know I want to meet people and not be the immediate timid shy nature. I don’t need to become the super loud in your face guy, but I can’t keep being the kid in the basement avoiding all contact.

  All I know when I do feel comfortable I have fun and make good memories. Its just always takes awhile to get there. 

  Not much on the kung fu front, no new numbers this time. Which is a wake up call to get back to it. Kung fu only works as well as I use it. So I am sorry for not getting numbers this time, but I will definitely be getting numbers next time.

   Thank you for reading this and hopefully your day goes, or went well

Home Stretch

  So my back is getting closer to becoming all better again. I have been doing a lot of work on it and know even once I am cleared to go back to full duties at work to still take precautions to make sure I am 100 percent.

  It is a fine line of balance of not hold myself back to much and also not doing to much with my back. It is very easy to be to cautious with my back to the point of not making progress, and developing a convenient excuse for not doing said physical activity’s. Doing to much and making me start over and in worse condition is also a real issue that could happen.

  I have been on both sides of that line multiple times. I have been to caution for to long, and have been reckless and injured myself further, increasing the time to heal. 

  I have heard before that sometimes getting injured could possibly be the best thing that could ever happen to you. It’s not that people want to see you suffer, it is how you react to the experience and use it as a stepping stone to become a better and a different you.

  Life will always happen and I know I won’t ever be the younger fitter versions of me, but why would I? I would lose so much knowledge that I have built up thanks to what I have gone through. I might not be the same martial artist when I first got my black belt, but I truly believe I am still on my way to becoming better martial artist and even a better human.

 I thank you greatly for reading another one of my blogs. Here are some numbers very little this week. Sorry

Acts of kindness: 1000

Km: 750

Sit ups: 1250

Push ups: 850

Da mu hsing: 83

Drum stick form: 87

Spar: 10

Elliptical(minutes):12960

Social outings:2

Family or Friends contacted:2

Comfortable

 It’s kinda weird I am getting closer to start looking for my own home just as I finally am getting comfortable with my roommates. I have normally stayed away from interacting with them but now I find myself interacting with them more now.

 I have always been this way. I am shy and reserved when around people I don’t know so well, but I become a chatter box once I have become comfortable with them.

 I know the introvert in me loves being by myself and resting in isolation, but the small extrovert wants to have fun too. I keep that part of me more locked up than I should. 

 Not much to report this time for kung fu. Other than my back is in doing better every week. A really short one today. Thank you for reading this quick quip about me. Here are some numbers

Acts of kindness: 900

Km: 720

Sit ups: 1250

Push ups: 850

Da mu hsing: 82

Drum stick form: 86

Spar: 10

Elliptical(minutes):12960

Social outings:2

Family or Friends contacted:2

No Choice

So my back is feeling better. I am able to stand longer without feeling pain right away. Another low kung fu week for me. I have been enjoying to making the classes and thinking to myself how I would have accomplished said goal or getting to work on my eye for detail. 

 I’m more trying to figure out if I make the same mistakes or have different issues. It’s interesting to see and look how many people will move in a form or technique that fits them and works the best for them, or doing something they shouldn’t. I think it helps me think of myself and what I can do better in or check if I am having issues. 

 I get to see what things I can learn from my fellow classmates mates. Something better, something I could be struggling with as well. It is a plethora of knowledge  I get to look at. Everyone is built different and has different physical limitations, but everyone is trying to still achieve a better them. So I am having a good time at kung fu.

  Now to the topic of blog. My roommate and I were talking about how some superhero sometimes making a decision about said justice. Some justice the hero gets put them in forces them to make a really hard decision. My roommate said they had no choice, but to make said hard decision.

  I thought to myself after, you always have a choice. If there 2 choices and both suck, then the next thing said is I had no choice but to pick one of the undesirable outcomes. Its an overall stance choosing to pick one or neither of them is choosing a path to follow.

 I am thinking of how we all make choices everyday and if we utter the words no choice, then possibly there was one, but could not think of it at the time in the moment. It’s where captain hindsight comes in. It is only useful to use that info for a possible another event that would be similar.

 For me having choice to eat really bad food. If I am offered some food and I know it is not good for me. I would still say ok I will have some, just to be polite. I put myself in a situation where I took away my choices to only one choice. Eat the tasty, but unhealthy food. I would normally describe I had no choice. It would be rude to refuse

 I still had the choice to refuse politely and let them know it is not good for me at the moment and thank them for offering, but I would choose the worse one normally and then use the excuse I had no choice. I see saying I had no choice as a “well there was nothing I could do” When that’s not true. There is always a choice in what I can do. 

At the end of the day I have to be responsible for what I choose to do even if I choose to make a bad or hard decision. I have to own up to the consequences of my choices good or bad. Creating more ways to not take responsibility for my own actions hurts me for the long run.

 I have not had anything crazy happen recently, but it has happened to me where I said I had no choice. Using it like a get out of jail card. I always have a choice I just have to keep being engaged in myself and in life to keep myself accountable.

  Well that’s my rant on choice. I have some small numbers again.

Acts of kindness: 850

Km: 710

Sit ups: 1250

Push ups: 850

Da mu hsing: 80

Drum stick form: 84

Spar: 10

Elliptical(minutes):12960

Social outings:2

Family or Friends contacted:2

Finding Vaule

 I have not been able to practice a whole lot of kung fu due to my back injury,  but I have been still making progress and slowly feeling better. All I can really do is slow and steady. No feel better quick schemes for me. I do my physio and be smart about my movements.

 So onto finding value. My boss at work has been revealing info about me that is very positive. I had my first ever worker review and it went really well. Normally when I hear positive things about me I assume it is not really meaning it or a simple socially nice thing to say.

 When I hear positive views about me, my thoughts always go to well they are my family or friends, of course they might have something positive to say to me, especially if I am feeling down.  So I discredit their assessment as well that’s nice to say, but I know what’s really up with me. Then I point out the negative to myself.

 It’s not like I never took in compliments, but I would always think “but” the person would not be saying the “but” I would though. 

  I am weirdly trusting my new boss is genuinely giving me praise for how good of a worker I am and how I am keeping up high standards for my work. He had told me that he has asked multiple people about me and they were all really positive things to hear. 

  I don’t know why I decided to take all this positive feedback as the real deal, but I almost started to cry. I did not, because I thought it would be embarrassing, but I could feel it welling up. I was being told I am doing a good job and I finally decided to believe it.

  I like that I am accepting the good feedback, and I wish I knew why now I was taking the compliment genuinely. Maybe because I could see as well what he was talking about in myself.

  This is all weird new territory for me. Believing in compliments when they’re said to me is crazy. I’m hoping to continue this way of thinking to keep boosting my spirits. 

Thank you for reading my blog. I do actually value it. I have some numbers to report nothing big.

Acts of kindness: 800

Km: 705

Sit ups: 1250

Push ups: 850

Da mu hsing: 79

Drum stick form: 82

Spar: 10

Elliptical(minutes):12960

Social outings:2

Family or Friends contacted:2

Getting to Know You

So I’d figure I answer some questions most of these answers will be short and to the point or at least I will try. I pretty sure they could be full blogs each one. 

How I would describe myself to someone is a man who is white, overweight, 6 ft tall. Short brown hair and a goatee and moustache combo. Mostly a kind person and will be shy until I become comfortable with you. I like Manga and anime, play a lot of complicated board or card games. Also a journeymen Electrician. That’s a good start

How I would describe myself relationship with myself is toxic. I tend to treat myself horribly and think very little of myself. When I know thats not true. I will have times where I do cherish myself and strive for more, but can easily be derailed by life. I have a hard time on focusing the value I have and keeping it in the forefront. I find it easier to sabotage than to build up. I know I can accomplish being better, sometimes I just have to try harder.

What values are most important to me is communication and loyalty. I’d rather someone tell me what I can do to improve even if it could make me upset or sad than go ignorant to what I could do better. Sometimes arguments could be completely avoided by simply just communicating. When I say loyalty I don’t mean subservient, but in not willing to stab me in the back or lead me astray for their own betterment. Willing to be there in the hard times and celebrate in the good.

 How does the public me vs the private me. I would say private me is more noisy. I like to sing and make noise. I’m not necessarily singing the proper words to songs, but I will sing it. I do like quiet as well. I tend to keep to myself even in public. Public me is definitely more reserved and trying not to make noise or cause trouble for others. Trying to not be noticed. I tend to hold back when I have an opportunity to add to a conversation. I take it sometimes but I have missed way more.

  What’s the reason I get up in the morning is mainly for work. On days I have no work it’s because I have a responsibility to do something. I would say nothing is really driving me at the moment there other than I don’t want to be late.

How do I define happiness. Well I would say having parents and family that care about me, and having friends that want to hang out with me and have fun with me. Having a significant other who value me and cherish me and even starting a family. Also me accepting who I am as a person and be okay with the flaws I have and know I can eventually achieve my dreams with time and effort. ( I’m still really working on this one)

 How do I want to be remembered. I want to be the guy who never gave up. A solution always got to me, sometimes it took awhile, but it eventually happened. Become a person that can inspire others through what I have accomplished.

 The biggest challenge in my life so far is myself. I have had big ones before like my car accident, but even though it took me a whole year to get back on my feet. The biggest challenge has been my own head. I hold myself back, I am the devil on my shoulder speaking with a megaphone. I sabotage myself into failure. I am my own wall. I have been using friends and mentors to help be beat this, but I have come a long way.

Well that’s all the questions for now. Thank you Nigel Bauer for these questions on the gratitude journal beta version. I decided to blog some of it on here. 

 If you read all that then thank you for getting to know me. Each one was short for sure, but maybe later I will flesh some out more.

Sleep and walk

 I have been really tired today. After I got home from work I cleaned up and put a heat pad on my back and fell asleep. Kind of a little inconvenient now that I’m up late at the moment, but it was nice.

 Since my back has been injured I have not been able to do push ups or sit ups. My back is getting better, just taking time. I have tried to go through my forms, but softly.

 It feels like I am waking through my forms. I could not do to much. I don’t go into deep stance or throw proper punches or kicks. I’d figure something is better than nothing. 

 So I am more mentally doing a form than physically. I’m trying to figure out my intent is since I can’t really do the physical all that well at the moment. Though I am limited at the physical I’m also trying to think how my body should connect from one move to the other and how it should finish from one move to the other.

 Even walking through a form I have to take breaks. Lying down seems to be the best position for me. It feels zero pain while lying down.

 Well a short blog for today thank you for reading and investing your time into my blog. I do have a little numbers 

Acts of kindness: 750

Km: 700

Sit ups: 1250

Push ups: 850

Da mu hsing: 75

Drum stick form: 80

Spar: 10

Elliptical(minutes):12960

Social outings:2

Family or Friends contacted:2