Finding Vaule

 I have not been able to practice a whole lot of kung fu due to my back injury,  but I have been still making progress and slowly feeling better. All I can really do is slow and steady. No feel better quick schemes for me. I do my physio and be smart about my movements.

 So onto finding value. My boss at work has been revealing info about me that is very positive. I had my first ever worker review and it went really well. Normally when I hear positive things about me I assume it is not really meaning it or a simple socially nice thing to say.

 When I hear positive views about me, my thoughts always go to well they are my family or friends, of course they might have something positive to say to me, especially if I am feeling down.  So I discredit their assessment as well that’s nice to say, but I know what’s really up with me. Then I point out the negative to myself.

 It’s not like I never took in compliments, but I would always think “but” the person would not be saying the “but” I would though. 

  I am weirdly trusting my new boss is genuinely giving me praise for how good of a worker I am and how I am keeping up high standards for my work. He had told me that he has asked multiple people about me and they were all really positive things to hear. 

  I don’t know why I decided to take all this positive feedback as the real deal, but I almost started to cry. I did not, because I thought it would be embarrassing, but I could feel it welling up. I was being told I am doing a good job and I finally decided to believe it.

  I like that I am accepting the good feedback, and I wish I knew why now I was taking the compliment genuinely. Maybe because I could see as well what he was talking about in myself.

  This is all weird new territory for me. Believing in compliments when they’re said to me is crazy. I’m hoping to continue this way of thinking to keep boosting my spirits. 

Thank you for reading my blog. I do actually value it. I have some numbers to report nothing big.

Acts of kindness: 800

Km: 705

Sit ups: 1250

Push ups: 850

Da mu hsing: 79

Drum stick form: 82

Spar: 10

Elliptical(minutes):12960

Social outings:2

Family or Friends contacted:2

Getting to Know You

So I’d figure I answer some questions most of these answers will be short and to the point or at least I will try. I pretty sure they could be full blogs each one. 

How I would describe myself to someone is a man who is white, overweight, 6 ft tall. Short brown hair and a goatee and moustache combo. Mostly a kind person and will be shy until I become comfortable with you. I like Manga and anime, play a lot of complicated board or card games. Also a journeymen Electrician. That’s a good start

How I would describe myself relationship with myself is toxic. I tend to treat myself horribly and think very little of myself. When I know thats not true. I will have times where I do cherish myself and strive for more, but can easily be derailed by life. I have a hard time on focusing the value I have and keeping it in the forefront. I find it easier to sabotage than to build up. I know I can accomplish being better, sometimes I just have to try harder.

What values are most important to me is communication and loyalty. I’d rather someone tell me what I can do to improve even if it could make me upset or sad than go ignorant to what I could do better. Sometimes arguments could be completely avoided by simply just communicating. When I say loyalty I don’t mean subservient, but in not willing to stab me in the back or lead me astray for their own betterment. Willing to be there in the hard times and celebrate in the good.

 How does the public me vs the private me. I would say private me is more noisy. I like to sing and make noise. I’m not necessarily singing the proper words to songs, but I will sing it. I do like quiet as well. I tend to keep to myself even in public. Public me is definitely more reserved and trying not to make noise or cause trouble for others. Trying to not be noticed. I tend to hold back when I have an opportunity to add to a conversation. I take it sometimes but I have missed way more.

  What’s the reason I get up in the morning is mainly for work. On days I have no work it’s because I have a responsibility to do something. I would say nothing is really driving me at the moment there other than I don’t want to be late.

How do I define happiness. Well I would say having parents and family that care about me, and having friends that want to hang out with me and have fun with me. Having a significant other who value me and cherish me and even starting a family. Also me accepting who I am as a person and be okay with the flaws I have and know I can eventually achieve my dreams with time and effort. ( I’m still really working on this one)

 How do I want to be remembered. I want to be the guy who never gave up. A solution always got to me, sometimes it took awhile, but it eventually happened. Become a person that can inspire others through what I have accomplished.

 The biggest challenge in my life so far is myself. I have had big ones before like my car accident, but even though it took me a whole year to get back on my feet. The biggest challenge has been my own head. I hold myself back, I am the devil on my shoulder speaking with a megaphone. I sabotage myself into failure. I am my own wall. I have been using friends and mentors to help be beat this, but I have come a long way.

Well that’s all the questions for now. Thank you Nigel Bauer for these questions on the gratitude journal beta version. I decided to blog some of it on here. 

 If you read all that then thank you for getting to know me. Each one was short for sure, but maybe later I will flesh some out more.

Sleep and walk

 I have been really tired today. After I got home from work I cleaned up and put a heat pad on my back and fell asleep. Kind of a little inconvenient now that I’m up late at the moment, but it was nice.

 Since my back has been injured I have not been able to do push ups or sit ups. My back is getting better, just taking time. I have tried to go through my forms, but softly.

 It feels like I am waking through my forms. I could not do to much. I don’t go into deep stance or throw proper punches or kicks. I’d figure something is better than nothing. 

 So I am more mentally doing a form than physically. I’m trying to figure out my intent is since I can’t really do the physical all that well at the moment. Though I am limited at the physical I’m also trying to think how my body should connect from one move to the other and how it should finish from one move to the other.

 Even walking through a form I have to take breaks. Lying down seems to be the best position for me. It feels zero pain while lying down.

 Well a short blog for today thank you for reading and investing your time into my blog. I do have a little numbers 

Acts of kindness: 750

Km: 700

Sit ups: 1250

Push ups: 850

Da mu hsing: 75

Drum stick form: 80

Spar: 10

Elliptical(minutes):12960

Social outings:2

Family or Friends contacted:2

Discipline

  Hello so I been hearing what has been said and not an epiphany, but bring to the forefront. I am mostly aware of me making my life harder. It’s easy to say the right things and say what I should do, but then I fall flat on the Discipline aspect of it. 

 I can point out all day what I need to do, but for how long will I believe it. I run into do it for a short time, then fall back into poor habits. It is exactly like I have given up before I have truly tried, just because I have failed before.

  It’s like taking a path to success and knowing if I follow it I know where it will lead me and then just saying “ well I will probably fall off again, so why try when I know the outcome”

 Of course if I do nothing the outcome is obvious. Same as if I put in consistent effort the outcome will be obvious.Consistently doing something will eventually produce results and consistently doing nothing will also produce results, but not the ones I want to see.

  I choose lazy because it’s easy. I’m comfortable, but not happy. I choose low effort because it’s easy. I am disciplined in taking the easy way out in my kung fu. I am ironically very disciplined in my work where I strive to be better than I was before.

  If I take that same attitude and put it back into my kung fu it will be awesome. See even in that sentence I put “if” as if it was an anomaly and who could do that other than me. 

 I know I have not lost interest in kung fu, because I still love learning what this martial arts has to teach me and show me what else can I do better in. Becoming a better person and martial artist. I still love kung fu, but my current self seems to be just coasting.

  I would say I know I have not given up yet, because I am trying to change still and trying to not miss blogs. Blogs have been a crucial life line for me. I know for me if I stop blogging I have given up and may as well quit kung fu. Blogging for me is my connection right now to myself and kung fu. 

  I know I never commit saying what I will do, because if I do I already know (I will) have the possibility of not doing of the “I will” So I play it safe by never saying I will. I see the sentence where I do say “I will” for the failure aspect. I guess you could say I have more faith in me failing.

 At the moment the phrase “I will” carries negative connotation for me , because I have said it before and did not follow through with the “I will” So I have lied multiple times which made me stop saying it. I want to say it if I believe I will actually follow through with it and consistently follow the “ I will”

 I feel if I say it in this blog it would be just sparkly words to please the people for now until next time. I can’t say I will, but I can say I am.

 I know I am trying to make efforts into the right direction. It will be difficult, but I need to try. 

 Well I know I said writing it in this blog seems meaningless, but I have so many extremely bad mantras in my head I may as well try anyways to help promote healthier thinking. “I will try harder in my kung fu. I will practice more of my Kung fu. I will attend all my classes for kung fu. I will change my attitude and bring kung fu back into my life. I will be disciplined in my training. I will become more of an outgoing person. I will be better. I will lose my weight. I will find happiness.”

 I’m going to end it there. I am trying to end on a positive note. I don’t have any numbers due to my lower back injury at the moment, but I will be at class this Tuesday. I do have work that day so I might be cutting it close or plenty of time.

 Thank you for reading this blog of mine.