Hello everyone it has been far to long since my last blog. I will say that I have had a rough year mentally and physically. I struggle to make the good decisions in my life, and care none for the consequence those decisions hold. That was my main train of thought. I won't say I am 100% better, but I am trying to make the better decisions in my life. I do suffer from a huge lack of self worth, and self esteem. I have a hard time believing anything good can happen to me and when it does I still am in disbelief, because I have been proven many time that my hope for more for myself was just a lie. Usually it is also temporary, so I don't get to excited and just let the moment of happiness pass by because it is easier to not be hurt when the happiness disappears. I have started to make emotion a choice to have. I can still get sad or happy naturally, but I tend to suppress it, because it has not always yielded good things for me. I wish I could say I feel happy and positive right now about trying to change for the better, but I don't. I just feel like I am trying to please the side of me that wants to be better, but at the same time not caring or wanting to. If I had a choice right now I would want to stop trying in everything, no more work, no more social life, no more of my life. It just seems all useless to me. BUT that is unreasonable choice that is selfish and will affect others and people I care for, so that is not a choice, neither a option ever on the table. I guess you could say I wished I never existed.
Now I have re-read this a few times and see how bad these last few lines might have sounded, but just in case none of this was saying anything towards the side of suicide. It has never crossed my mind to do such a thing; just to make things clear.
I do feel like giving up sometime, but in the sense that I would just fade away into the wind like dust sort of thing. I never feel good about releasing these kind of blogs, because I don't know if people will take what I say the wrong way, or I might just be a big whinny baby. Well this is not a great blog to be coming back on, but I guess it is a start.
Sifu R. Langner
