Self sabotage

 I read the comments on the Facebook and my blog and I really appreciate them. I have been not necessarily just realizing the self sabotage but the knee jerk reaction I have to make my life harder. 

 It’s like having affirmations of words you would repeat to set in a state of mind, but mixed in with actions. I have been fighting for a very long time to get rid of the negative words I use about myself as re affirming the pure disgust I have for myself.

 My negative words are very harmful and sometimes while doing something I am having fun in I hear those words. I have lived longer with negative thinking than positive.

 I will say those negative thoughts and words have less effect when I say them to myself now. I have had a few low points in my life where I was mentally barely hanging on. I am not there anymore, but the residual effects are still there.

  The main reason for this blog is the tiger challenge. I had the time to attend and knew it. I started to build up a lot of stress and anxiety and losing sleep. Then finally on my last day of work before my time off they asked me if I was available for over time and they could use the help. I immediately said sure no problem. 

  I did not even register that I just messed up until I got home. I have been doing some overtime at work lately so I did a knee jerk reaction and said yes. Whenever they have asked me to work overtime I have said yes. 

  Whether or not I would have done good or bad at the challenge it would have been very good for me mentally. I think I would have done bad, but that’s not the point. The main point would be  challenging myself to be apart of a public event and help put me in a better head space.

  It is kinda of weird when I try to say positive affirmations I believe it to be just rose coloured glasses; It is simply fantasy, but when it’s the negative it sounds logical and deserving. I have had a hard time to switch that. 

 It’s a balance of the two that is clearly not balanced.

 Anyways thanks for reading my blog and leaving comments if you do. I definitely read them. Here are some numbers:

Acts of kindness: 580

Km: 600

Sit ups: 1000

Push ups: 770

Da mu hsing: 65

Drum stick form: 68

Spar: 10

Elliptical(minutes):1230

Social outings:2

Family or Friends contacted:1

Blogs:14

  

100

 I finally did 100 push ups and sit ups in a week. I know I can definitely do more than that, but I have been consistently doing under 100 every week. I don’t know whether to feel accomplishment or disgrace. 

 One side of me is saying this is awesome you are at least doing slightly better, but the louder side of me is saying “really, you can do so much more, don’t be celebrating mediocrity”

  I will say at the moment I am writing this blog I am truly exhausted. I have not slept more than 4 hours these past 3 days. That’s 4 hours in total for all 3. I don’t know why I am having a poor sleep, but I do have tomorrow off so I will be able to catch some zz. 

 I did research on lack of sleep when it was asked of us to do so and I seemed to have a lot of the symptoms for lack of sleep. I think trying to fix my sleep will help me in the long run. 

 Honestly it’s really hard to think right now, but I got 100 this week and I seem to feel more shame than pride. 

Thank you for reading my blog and here are some numbers.

Acts of kindness: 500

Km: 550

Sit ups:900

Push ups: 670

Da mu hsing: 62

Drum stick form: 64

Spar: 10

Elliptical(minutes):1110

Social outings:2

Family or Friends contacted:1

Sparring

 So it has been a long time since I sparred and it was nice to reintroduce the whole body again. When in class we were asked to fight with the right leading I was happy. I already fight more with my right side and prefer it, even though I am a right handed dominant person.

  Even though fighting with the right side I was reintroduced to use more of my left side again. I was relying to heavily on my dominant side to lead the way. 

  I find I can still get great power from both sides, but I usually have my set up starting with my right.

  For that sparring day I am also glad we never really picked up the pace either, because I know I would be gassed and have a really hard time to participate if I can’t really breathe.

  For sparring I know I love kicks and the amount of applications that can be used for a sparring round. I was not able to go fully into everything I wanted to do, because I was pacing myself and trying to stay at the level of control. 

  I was trying for technique and meaningful connections. Some time I was getting hit and wondered if I would have be able to take it and counter with my own even though I was hit. I know I could for some of them for sure, but we were not trying to have a brawl.

  I have been in fights before and during those fights you do take some hits sometimes for sure, but I would connect harder with my hit for the trade off of receiving a lighter hit from my opponent.

 It really depends where the hit is going. I still prefer to not be hit, but if I know the hit incoming for said spot won’t hurt, why not take the advantage of moving myself into a spot where I can end the fight quicker. 

  I would say in all my fights I have been in I always tried to end it with zero fighting, but sometimes peoples ego gets the best of them and they think they need to risk jail time for some fictional honor they lost.

  In closing I got re introduced to using both sides of my body again and that’s a good thing.

 Thanks for reading and here are some numbers:

Acts of kindness: 450

Km: 500

Sit ups:800

Push ups: 570

Da mu hsing: 60

Drum stick form: 62

Spar: 10

Elliptical(minutes):1110

Social outings:2

Family or Friends contacted:1

Topics

I have been thinking about what to write my blog about today. I have today a lot of topics, but only a few that relate to kung fu. I believe I have been using the blog as a way to open up and tell people my mental and physical struggles all while barely mentioning kung fu.

  Now those things do affect how kung fu progress, but I focus more on the thing affecting it rather than talk more about how trying to become a better martial artist is going.

 Here are my topics I had in mind. “ My Uncle has pancreatic cancer and I’m upset, but I’m emotionally drained still from my dog and I was starting to climb up again, then I got a call that hurt” this topic is effecting me. I would say I am in the still thinking that everything will be ok, but I know that it has a high chance of it will not go well.

 Second topic. “ I found myself frustrated with my dad when talking about eating healthier. I know I’m ok at it, but I found I relate to my Dad more than I thought. He was able to come up with lots of reasons why it’s so hard to cook food healthy and seems to know very well what he has to do to succeed, but doesn’t” I feel as I do the same we both know the path to success, but choose to take the path to failure, because not trying is easier then putting in effort to change your life for the better.

Third topic. “ My stances are the defining feature in my forms and they are too high. My knees have been hurting more lately, because of work. I do stand in place a lot, but I forget to bend my legs to release the tension and in turn sore knees.” This is a topic clearly more about my martial arts and I present it as the third topic and not the first. Meaning I am putting martial arts lower on the totem pole when it should be higher.

 So with these three topics I feel as though I could go on a longer rant, but it would not be honest if I left the other two out. These three things are all happening and I feel I should say more, but saying more can get me in trouble sometimes. 

  I sorry to say I don’t have a good way to wrap up the blog. Here are some numbers and thanks for reading.

Acts of kindness: 425

Km: 500

Sit ups:770

Push ups: 550

Da mu hsing: 57

Drum stick form: 60

Spar: 0

Elliptical(minutes):990

Social outings:2

Family or Friends contacted:1

Blank Mind

So I have a blank mind on what to blog about tonight. One part of it is I am really tired, but the other part is meaning I’m not engaged enough. Blank minds usually means I’m just drifting through life.

 I still haven’t accepted that I have a job that is consistent. I am enjoying the work I do there, but I feel like a ghost. I don’t interact with anyone there and then I go home then back to work.

  I am practicing kung fu, but not enough. Every time I do a form I know most of my issues in the form and it bugs me that I make little progress, but I know why it’s so slow. I don’t practice enough. The solution is always the same. It’s not to just practice mindlessly, but to have the proper intend and the conviction to do more.

  I do feel tired and in pain after work, but I know it could be better if I get my weight under control and the sleep. I have been getting around 3 to 4 hours of sleep. Even on my days off.

Well small blog for today. Thank you for reading. I have some numbers.

Acts of kindness: 380

Km: 450

Sit ups:700

Push ups: 500

Da mu hsing: 55

Drum stick form: 58

Spar: 0

Elliptical(minutes):930

Social outings:1

Family or Friends contacted:1

Stances + Sporadic

 Getting deeper into a stance for da mu hsing has been a struggle. My drum stick form does not have to many deep stances. The thing right now making it hard to go into deep stances is a lack of deep stances practices and my weight. Also since I started this new job I do stand a lot in one spot so my knees and legs get sore.  I can feel my heart beating in my knees.

  Getting into a nice solid stance and making a smooth transition feels amazing and I have not really been there for awhile.

   With everything going on in my life I have put kung fu lower on the totem pole. When it should be higher and would actually help me more mentally and physically if I put kung fu higher. I have a bad habit I need to break. Whenever I hit a bump in the road I disconnect, disappear. All I try to do is hide. 

   Nothing can hurt me if I am by myself and comfortable resting in my bed. Unfortunately for me when I do that I deteriorate mentally and physically. I have a harder time to connect with people and reaching out, because I put myself in a bubble.

  Anyways back to stances. When my stances feel good my form feels good. Stances are a literal foundation. My foundation is a bit crumbled at the moment.

 You know after re reading my blog it perfectly matches my thought process in real time; it’s all over the place. It’s all connected yet sporadic. I could make multiple and separate blogs about these topics rather then lump them into one, but some of the things said in this blog I did not think of until I started writing.

  I’m sorry for the sporadic blog, but I am going to end this one here. I am not sure on how to continue or wrap up this one. So thank you for reading this blog and I have some numbers:

Acts of kindness: 300

Km: 380

Sit ups:650

Push ups: 450

Da mu hsing: 50

Drum stick form: 53

Spar: 0

Elliptical(minutes):810

Social outings:1

Family or Friends contacted:1

Recovery

 I know my last few blogs have been very focused on a sad time in my life. I admit I still think about him and have sad moments, but I know I can’t live forever in sadness. Eventually I have to start moving forwards and keep the good memories of Sammy going into my future.

  I will say kung fu was ok this week for me. Not breaking any records but always better than zero. I know for myself that I also have to stop putting myself down for when I do so little. I think to myself I could be doing more, but I make poor choices. So I think that I am not allowed to be happy that I did some push ups this week. 

  I demoralize myself rather than thinking it’s good in what I did do. I feel as if, I am happy I did some ,even if the number is small I am accepting mediocrity into my life and saying “doing just a little bit is ok and I should be happy because the other option is zero”

 It feels like a cheat the system to me. It’s like saying I’m ok with just barely trying because at least it’s not zero. 

  I realized after the meeting we had that I needed a new approach. I need to look at that when I do accomplish some progress to still congratulate myself for not doing zero, but know I am doing poor numbers now, but the goal is to keep doing something and eventually bring up my numbers to a more satisfactory level for me.

 If I do zero I am for sure making no progress, but more than zero has potential to become bigger. I need to work towards getting the bigger numbers rather these small jump in numbers I have been doing. 

 I don’t think I have done more than 100 push ups or sits ups in a week since we started. I would like to change that to at least be able to do 100 a day. I am sheepish about push ups, because to many to fast often lead to both of my shoulders starting to feel pain again. I just need to be more patient with it and progress wisely.

 I also know that I have been lacking in multiple areas in kung fu. I have been in hiding mode and pulling away from everything. I do have a lot of mental hurdles to get over. That’s for sure. I do have a lot of self beat up I do on a regular bases. That has to change.

  I feel at the moment I am just existing. I am not trying to pursue anything in life. I show no gratitude to what I have accomplished and what I do have. I want and want and not do. I can want until I turn blue in the face, but until I start doing something I am destined for nothingness.

 I know I titled the blog recovery, but I did so, because I need to start doing something. Even using the word “I know” sounds fraudulent. If “ I know” then why do I do the worst for myself. Probably because it’s easier to not try and to not risk getting hurt in the real world. 

 I can control my hobbit hole. It is small and I hope things will start changing soon while I lie down in bed. What sort of insanity is that.

 I honestly find it the most easy to talk about how horrible I am rather than point out the positives. My faults are glaring and I live by them. I don’t think it is the worst thing ever to know what some are faults, because I could also be completely oblivious too them, which would be worse.

  See that looks like to me at least it’s not zero money. I am taking the negative view rather than this is a starting point to turn things around.

 I think I will end the blog here. I think I am just spiraling. I don’t think I have a direction for this blog. Thank you for reading this crazy blog. I do have some numbers:

Acts of kindness: 250

Km: 300

Sit ups:600

Push ups: 400

Da mu hsing: 40

Drum stick form: 43

Spar: 0

Elliptical(minutes):700

Social outings:1

Family or Friends contacted:1