Self sabotage

 I read the comments on the Facebook and my blog and I really appreciate them. I have been not necessarily just realizing the self sabotage but the knee jerk reaction I have to make my life harder. 

 It’s like having affirmations of words you would repeat to set in a state of mind, but mixed in with actions. I have been fighting for a very long time to get rid of the negative words I use about myself as re affirming the pure disgust I have for myself.

 My negative words are very harmful and sometimes while doing something I am having fun in I hear those words. I have lived longer with negative thinking than positive.

 I will say those negative thoughts and words have less effect when I say them to myself now. I have had a few low points in my life where I was mentally barely hanging on. I am not there anymore, but the residual effects are still there.

  The main reason for this blog is the tiger challenge. I had the time to attend and knew it. I started to build up a lot of stress and anxiety and losing sleep. Then finally on my last day of work before my time off they asked me if I was available for over time and they could use the help. I immediately said sure no problem. 

  I did not even register that I just messed up until I got home. I have been doing some overtime at work lately so I did a knee jerk reaction and said yes. Whenever they have asked me to work overtime I have said yes. 

  Whether or not I would have done good or bad at the challenge it would have been very good for me mentally. I think I would have done bad, but that’s not the point. The main point would be  challenging myself to be apart of a public event and help put me in a better head space.

  It is kinda of weird when I try to say positive affirmations I believe it to be just rose coloured glasses; It is simply fantasy, but when it’s the negative it sounds logical and deserving. I have had a hard time to switch that. 

 It’s a balance of the two that is clearly not balanced.

 Anyways thanks for reading my blog and leaving comments if you do. I definitely read them. Here are some numbers:

Acts of kindness: 580

Km: 600

Sit ups: 1000

Push ups: 770

Da mu hsing: 65

Drum stick form: 68

Spar: 10

Elliptical(minutes):1230

Social outings:2

Family or Friends contacted:1

Blogs:14