Blank Mind

So I have a blank mind on what to blog about tonight. One part of it is I am really tired, but the other part is meaning I’m not engaged enough. Blank minds usually means I’m just drifting through life.

 I still haven’t accepted that I have a job that is consistent. I am enjoying the work I do there, but I feel like a ghost. I don’t interact with anyone there and then I go home then back to work.

  I am practicing kung fu, but not enough. Every time I do a form I know most of my issues in the form and it bugs me that I make little progress, but I know why it’s so slow. I don’t practice enough. The solution is always the same. It’s not to just practice mindlessly, but to have the proper intend and the conviction to do more.

  I do feel tired and in pain after work, but I know it could be better if I get my weight under control and the sleep. I have been getting around 3 to 4 hours of sleep. Even on my days off.

Well small blog for today. Thank you for reading. I have some numbers.

Acts of kindness: 380

Km: 450

Sit ups:700

Push ups: 500

Da mu hsing: 55

Drum stick form: 58

Spar: 0

Elliptical(minutes):930

Social outings:1

Family or Friends contacted:1

Stances + Sporadic

 Getting deeper into a stance for da mu hsing has been a struggle. My drum stick form does not have to many deep stances. The thing right now making it hard to go into deep stances is a lack of deep stances practices and my weight. Also since I started this new job I do stand a lot in one spot so my knees and legs get sore.  I can feel my heart beating in my knees.

  Getting into a nice solid stance and making a smooth transition feels amazing and I have not really been there for awhile.

   With everything going on in my life I have put kung fu lower on the totem pole. When it should be higher and would actually help me more mentally and physically if I put kung fu higher. I have a bad habit I need to break. Whenever I hit a bump in the road I disconnect, disappear. All I try to do is hide. 

   Nothing can hurt me if I am by myself and comfortable resting in my bed. Unfortunately for me when I do that I deteriorate mentally and physically. I have a harder time to connect with people and reaching out, because I put myself in a bubble.

  Anyways back to stances. When my stances feel good my form feels good. Stances are a literal foundation. My foundation is a bit crumbled at the moment.

 You know after re reading my blog it perfectly matches my thought process in real time; it’s all over the place. It’s all connected yet sporadic. I could make multiple and separate blogs about these topics rather then lump them into one, but some of the things said in this blog I did not think of until I started writing.

  I’m sorry for the sporadic blog, but I am going to end this one here. I am not sure on how to continue or wrap up this one. So thank you for reading this blog and I have some numbers:

Acts of kindness: 300

Km: 380

Sit ups:650

Push ups: 450

Da mu hsing: 50

Drum stick form: 53

Spar: 0

Elliptical(minutes):810

Social outings:1

Family or Friends contacted:1

Recovery

 I know my last few blogs have been very focused on a sad time in my life. I admit I still think about him and have sad moments, but I know I can’t live forever in sadness. Eventually I have to start moving forwards and keep the good memories of Sammy going into my future.

  I will say kung fu was ok this week for me. Not breaking any records but always better than zero. I know for myself that I also have to stop putting myself down for when I do so little. I think to myself I could be doing more, but I make poor choices. So I think that I am not allowed to be happy that I did some push ups this week. 

  I demoralize myself rather than thinking it’s good in what I did do. I feel as if, I am happy I did some ,even if the number is small I am accepting mediocrity into my life and saying “doing just a little bit is ok and I should be happy because the other option is zero”

 It feels like a cheat the system to me. It’s like saying I’m ok with just barely trying because at least it’s not zero. 

  I realized after the meeting we had that I needed a new approach. I need to look at that when I do accomplish some progress to still congratulate myself for not doing zero, but know I am doing poor numbers now, but the goal is to keep doing something and eventually bring up my numbers to a more satisfactory level for me.

 If I do zero I am for sure making no progress, but more than zero has potential to become bigger. I need to work towards getting the bigger numbers rather these small jump in numbers I have been doing. 

 I don’t think I have done more than 100 push ups or sits ups in a week since we started. I would like to change that to at least be able to do 100 a day. I am sheepish about push ups, because to many to fast often lead to both of my shoulders starting to feel pain again. I just need to be more patient with it and progress wisely.

 I also know that I have been lacking in multiple areas in kung fu. I have been in hiding mode and pulling away from everything. I do have a lot of mental hurdles to get over. That’s for sure. I do have a lot of self beat up I do on a regular bases. That has to change.

  I feel at the moment I am just existing. I am not trying to pursue anything in life. I show no gratitude to what I have accomplished and what I do have. I want and want and not do. I can want until I turn blue in the face, but until I start doing something I am destined for nothingness.

 I know I titled the blog recovery, but I did so, because I need to start doing something. Even using the word “I know” sounds fraudulent. If “ I know” then why do I do the worst for myself. Probably because it’s easier to not try and to not risk getting hurt in the real world. 

 I can control my hobbit hole. It is small and I hope things will start changing soon while I lie down in bed. What sort of insanity is that.

 I honestly find it the most easy to talk about how horrible I am rather than point out the positives. My faults are glaring and I live by them. I don’t think it is the worst thing ever to know what some are faults, because I could also be completely oblivious too them, which would be worse.

  See that looks like to me at least it’s not zero money. I am taking the negative view rather than this is a starting point to turn things around.

 I think I will end the blog here. I think I am just spiraling. I don’t think I have a direction for this blog. Thank you for reading this crazy blog. I do have some numbers:

Acts of kindness: 250

Km: 300

Sit ups:600

Push ups: 400

Da mu hsing: 40

Drum stick form: 43

Spar: 0

Elliptical(minutes):700

Social outings:1

Family or Friends contacted:1

One Bad Day

  So it has been official for 4 days since I had to put down my dog. I have lost a dog before; his name was Adam. I was hurt when I lost him too, but for some reason losing Sammy has hit me differently. 

I think the big difference was I knew Sammy when he was just a pup. I knew Adam when he was around 10. Losing both of them still hurt, but it just feels different. 

 Another big difference was with Adam he was hit by a car. ( clean hit not messy) and with Sammy we made the decision to take his life, but he was not really living to well. Sammy was no longer eating or drinking water. He was in pain and we had to help him. 

Sammy had a long life 16 years and my first dog Adam was 18 years old. I’m not sad we made the decision to put Sammy down, I’m just not happy that we had to do that.

 Every time I remember moments with Sammy I almost start crying, but I hold it back, because it would be weird at work. I do remember the good times with him and how much joy he brought our family. Sammy was able to assign all of us with who is his human for what job.

 I was his human for play, and food and car rides. My dad was for sun bathing and sleeping. My mom his main human mainly for almost all purpose’s.

Sammy will always have a special place in my heart. Right next to Adam.

I would say as far as my kung fu goes it was not great. I have no plans to stay in these sad times, but I need to keep moving forwards and eventually get to experience another one bad day.

Thank you for reading this blog.

I do have some numbers to add but not much.

Acts of kindness: 210

Km: 260

Sit ups:550

Push ups: 360

Da mu hsing: 37

Drum stick form: 40

Spar: 0

Elliptical(minutes):600

Social outings:1

Family or Friends contacted:1

Just a pup photo and a few day before we had to put him down