Recovery

 I know my last few blogs have been very focused on a sad time in my life. I admit I still think about him and have sad moments, but I know I can’t live forever in sadness. Eventually I have to start moving forwards and keep the good memories of Sammy going into my future.

  I will say kung fu was ok this week for me. Not breaking any records but always better than zero. I know for myself that I also have to stop putting myself down for when I do so little. I think to myself I could be doing more, but I make poor choices. So I think that I am not allowed to be happy that I did some push ups this week. 

  I demoralize myself rather than thinking it’s good in what I did do. I feel as if, I am happy I did some ,even if the number is small I am accepting mediocrity into my life and saying “doing just a little bit is ok and I should be happy because the other option is zero”

 It feels like a cheat the system to me. It’s like saying I’m ok with just barely trying because at least it’s not zero. 

  I realized after the meeting we had that I needed a new approach. I need to look at that when I do accomplish some progress to still congratulate myself for not doing zero, but know I am doing poor numbers now, but the goal is to keep doing something and eventually bring up my numbers to a more satisfactory level for me.

 If I do zero I am for sure making no progress, but more than zero has potential to become bigger. I need to work towards getting the bigger numbers rather these small jump in numbers I have been doing. 

 I don’t think I have done more than 100 push ups or sits ups in a week since we started. I would like to change that to at least be able to do 100 a day. I am sheepish about push ups, because to many to fast often lead to both of my shoulders starting to feel pain again. I just need to be more patient with it and progress wisely.

 I also know that I have been lacking in multiple areas in kung fu. I have been in hiding mode and pulling away from everything. I do have a lot of mental hurdles to get over. That’s for sure. I do have a lot of self beat up I do on a regular bases. That has to change.

  I feel at the moment I am just existing. I am not trying to pursue anything in life. I show no gratitude to what I have accomplished and what I do have. I want and want and not do. I can want until I turn blue in the face, but until I start doing something I am destined for nothingness.

 I know I titled the blog recovery, but I did so, because I need to start doing something. Even using the word “I know” sounds fraudulent. If “ I know” then why do I do the worst for myself. Probably because it’s easier to not try and to not risk getting hurt in the real world. 

 I can control my hobbit hole. It is small and I hope things will start changing soon while I lie down in bed. What sort of insanity is that.

 I honestly find it the most easy to talk about how horrible I am rather than point out the positives. My faults are glaring and I live by them. I don’t think it is the worst thing ever to know what some are faults, because I could also be completely oblivious too them, which would be worse.

  See that looks like to me at least it’s not zero money. I am taking the negative view rather than this is a starting point to turn things around.

 I think I will end the blog here. I think I am just spiraling. I don’t think I have a direction for this blog. Thank you for reading this crazy blog. I do have some numbers:

Acts of kindness: 250

Km: 300

Sit ups:600

Push ups: 400

Da mu hsing: 40

Drum stick form: 43

Spar: 0

Elliptical(minutes):700

Social outings:1

Family or Friends contacted:1