I choose to eat poorly. I choose to not always train. I choose to be antisocial. I choose consistently to make the worst choice. I instill in myself fear and laziness. I don’t reach out to friends I have made or already have. I choose isolation.
I want friends to hang out with and I don’t make the effort to make it happen. I want to have a family someday, but I don’t put myself out there to meet someone. I want to lose weight, but I don’t make the right choices to make it happen. I choose to stay comfy in my bed and watch YouTube. I wish I was working right now, but I’m not.
In the electrical field of work right now seems not a lot of work is happening right now, or I’m just not applying to the right places. I’m also in a union and nothing has been showing up on the job board.
Luckily right now I am not struggling financially, but I still feel like I am a young kid who just left his parents house looking to get on my own two feet and I am 36 and have come to a complete stall.
I can’t help myself and compare my life and see where other people who are around my age or younger and have so much more than me. I’m not ignorant to the fact that sure some had a bit more luck than me, but also they worked for that life they have. It was not handed to them. I don’t compare out of envy, but out of what I could learn to achieve the same goals.
I realize their story to what they have is uniquely theirs and maybe what they did won’t apply to me, but I am trying to find my own story for me. I am trying to learn on how to accomplish my goals. Unfortunately even if I learn a new tool I can use to make me a better person I turn away. I also know that the grass always seems greener on the other side. When possibly I am already on the greener side.
I don’t put the effort in. I’m at least 286 lbs now. When will I turn my life around? Why can’t I say this is the blog that now I will start improving after this blog. I think I can’t say those words on here, because it would just be word candy to me and everyone reading. I know it would hold no substance. It would sound sweet to the ear, but have no nutritional value.
I write this blog in despair knowing I’m going to do the same thing tomorrow. I might get to train a little bit tomorrow. Which I will enjoy, but after that I will go back to my place and go to my bed and eat, watch and read, and sleep. Repeat. I hopefully will show up to both my classes, but I am always ashamed as a human being.
I’m the pinnacle and peak of Mediocracy.
Even as I write the blog I loathe it so. I think to myself “aww poor me has a life that is not hard and he’s just lazy” “ look he is having a little pity party for living a comfy life boo hoo” “ just grow up already, your not a kid anymore, be an adult” “ you’re pathetic you have all this opportunity to become a better person and you’re wasting it” “ you deserve nothing”
I wish I had positive words ringing in my ears all the time, but I don’t. It’s not that I am unaware of the positive I just know I keep them on the back burner.
What positives about myself so at least the whole blog is not negative. I have parents who love me and care for me. I am still enjoying working on making content for my YouTube channel. I still try to be kind whenever I can. I am really good at being a cheerleader. ( not now, but I believe in you) When I do put my mind to something I will do whatever I need to do to accomplish my goal. I have use of all my limbs. I can breathe comfortably. I can see with 20/20 vision. I do have some really good friends in my life I should reach out to more often.
Anyways a very long blog, but thank you again for reading this crazy one. I appreciate your time and effort to reading all of this and I’m truly trying to learn from you. Also no numbers unfortunately.
Write a list. Physical, pen to paper list. Not of life goals, but of small daily tasks you can do to get closer to what you want your life to look like. Things like meal prep, 10 min training, wash floors, shower, go for a walk. Check them off as you do them. Start making goals as to how many you can accomplish in a day. Repeat. You need something that will break the cycle, and whatever you choose to do first thing in the morning (grab your phone or do the dishes) will determine what the rest of your day will look like. So choose wisely as to what your first task will be.
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