I Need to be Proud of my Life

So I got laid off this Friday. I know I am in a trade where that can happen a lot. I also was told this could happen when I rejoined them since they said the job was winding down had they had no other prospects. Even though I have finally finished all of my school being a fourth year or a brand new journeyman is the hardest thing to do right now, because we cost just a little to much and we don't have 30 years of experience yet.
    This will be the second time in my life I have ever been laid off. Once I would say was unjustly, but this time it was just cost effective. Cheaper to have a 3rd year who can do what I was working on rather than a 4th year. This is my first time going through money troubles though. Normally I would be living at home and built a bit of a nest egg and I would not worry to much but this time I have rent to pay. I would not say I am hurting for money yet, but it is uncomfortably low for me. I am glad I got to work what I could, which helped greatly, but I wish it was longer. I was running a little low just after school so I really needed this money more then ever.
  I almost wonder if it was the right decision to move out. On purely the money standpoint no it was not, but on the personal level I think I have made some great leaps and strides in growing as a person. I also realize more then ever that I am a late bloomer in the sense that most people my age have already lived that life and they are currently have a family and a house they are trying to pay off.
  It is sometimes hard to think how far behind I am in life when I think about it. I have no kids, no wife, no home of my own. I wish all my rent money was going towards my home instead of someone else's.
   Being laid off has put me in a very dark place. I know my biggest flaw is I want a special someone some day yet I do nothing about it, because I am to nervous to go to clubs to meet someone. If I do get a date, it always never feels right and there is never any interest from them for me. It is hard to be confident in myself when it seems to mean nothing. I hate being alone, it is the worst. The freedom of single life is worthless. I have spent over 30 years alone. I just want it to end, the silence, the knowing of going home to nothing, the not knowing if I will ever meet someone. It's hard not knowing what it feels like to have someone like you in a romantic way.
  I am thankful for my parents, and my great friends, and my Kung fu. Without them I would truly have nothing. Kung fu is the one place I don't feel like that. It is one the place I feel like where I have the potential to change my life.
  Jeff and I were talking once when I was in a dark place and I don't remember how it came about, but it is a saying that came out of nowhere and I wrote it on my fridge. It says "I need to be proud of my life" I feel like I say it and read it to myself everyday. I believe I am just trying to convince myself that those words are true. They have helped me a lot these words, and I hope one day I will believe them. Maybe if I keep reading and saying it every day I might believe it one day.

Sifu Langner

The Art of One

Hello so I have been thinking a lot lately about the power of just trying to master one technique. I have realize with how long I have been doing kung fu, I have had the great opportunity to do such a task. The thing about practicing one technique is that you get to see the intricacy of the move and how to make the technique become yours. When I speak of one technique I speak of moves like a horse stance, bow stance, thrust punch, and even push ups.
  I have practice just those techniques before, for maybe a week or two then I revisit them later. So a more off and on thing, but every time I revisit them I learn something new, and work harder to make them better. Whenever I practice these one moves I see sometime my timing is slightly off, or my intent has need to be more engaged, or my phrasing of the move it just not quite right. I learn these moves have to work for my body; while also using proper technique. I learn where the power comes from and why we apply our techniques the way we do. It is like going to the dictionary to look up a word you don't know, then you read what it means, then you find a unique way for yourself to remember the definition. When you figure a way to define it for yourself the word still means the same, but you now understand that word a lot better now that you studied it for a bit. 
  I can honestly say there is truly only one technique that I have been striving to master since I first learned the technique. That technique is the side heel thrust. When I first learned it I fell in love with the kick. One was because to me it looked the coolest. Two even when I was the worst student ever it was always the one thing I actually put effort into try and look the best in my class. Then when I returned to kung fu it was the first thing I started to perfect once again. Through the years of learning and trying to understand and master the side heel thrust, I realize I still have a long way to go before I have mastered the kick. I have learned so much about this one kick, even which muscle areas that help improve the kick if you make those muscles stronger. I truly love learning more all the time about this kick and I strive to be the best at this one technique.
  A huge but though even though I have spend so much time to master and understand all of these techniques I did not ignore the rest of my techniques if anything studying just one helped me improve others. The art of one is truly powerful if you put the time and effort into it.


Sifu Langner

Balance

I have been thinking about this since our meeting and I thought that balance in our life is never truly achieved forever. I have had times in my life where I have had everything figured out and balanced very nicely. I have also had moments where I am not even close to balance.
  I guess I am learning that we always strive for balance in our lives and we sometimes achieve it, but having balance in our lives can be a fragile thing. Just one little thing off kilter can completely put us off balance. I think in those moments is when you see a test of our adaptability to our situation and we see if we can return to balance. A huge thing I realized is that sometimes what used to be a balanced life for us is no longer valid and we must re-adjust our scales to fit our new lives; to once again achieve balance.
   I find it weird that if I ever achieved balance and then kept it for the rest of my life; I am not sure if I would enjoy it. I know I would like it for awhile, but is perfect balance the best? I don't think anyone can answer that question because I don't think anyone has ever achieved perfect balance. I believe a lot of people have had great balance for a period of time, but not forever. Oddly enough without imbalance there would be no such thing as balanced.
  So I guess you could say I believe that the real lesson behind trying to achieve balance is developing skills to adapt to life always.


Sifu Langner

First Time

I really enjoyed our farmers day. It is always an opportunity to attend similar events, but have a different experience every time. I find myself  looking back and how much time has passed. Looking back to when I first came back to kung fu, when I went for my black belt, when I met three new friends, my first blog, my first motorcycle, my first time performing a lion dance, my first time behind the drums, moving out on my own, my first time holding a newborn.
  So many things have happen and it all seems like it was yesterday. I learned that the reason why we try to say some times you have to live in the moment it's because you really only have that single point in time to experience your moment. Once it has passed it will seem like it happened for only a second. That one second though will live forever in your memory's promising you that there will be more to come.

Sifu Langner

Rusty

I am writing this blog to get back into things. I feel super rusty and I'm having a hard time of thinking of what I want to write right now. I feel it is better to put this then nothing at all, and as I write more I will get back into the swing of things. I guess you could say I do have things to say, but not a good way to say it right now. I would say I am in a state of high stress and having a great time; not at the same time. High stress would be school and a great time would be my kung fu. This blog feels like my very first blog. Well I hope to keep up the post weekly and maybe it will be more next time.

Sifu Langner

In The Moment

I notice that when I want to be in the moment I tend to miss it and it all happens to fast, but when I want it to be done now time slows down and I am meant to live every second of that moment. When I am really enjoying myself those are the times in my life where everything speeds up and I almost missed everything. When I am on the time where I wish it would be over; that's when I live every second of that day and it is the longest day.
So good example is when I am on a vacation time fly's by in a blink of an eye. When I become sick time stops almost and I see and experience everything.  I have had opportunity's to live in the moment of positivity, but I notice when it is something I don't like it is rather easy to do so in those moments.
  I would say I am not a push ups fan and whenever I do push ups It is an eternity until I finish what I can do, but I like sit ups and they are done in no time and I even do more.I was wondering why does my mind naturally do this? Is my mind a sadist? Why don't I naturally do it the other way and easily make the moment's in life I want to enjoy last forever, and the moment's that I don't like just be done with in seconds. I know these are only questions I can answer myself, but It be nice if it was a simple answer.
  Anyways I would say right now I am having a lot of fun with kung fu lately, because attending the Monday, Wednesday classes has been really interesting and an enjoyable experience for me. I look forward to new ways to learn and try and become a better teacher. I know I have a lot to learn still, but look forward to learning more.


Sifu Langner

Why do I live?

 I have always wondered why am I conscious of me and my surroundings. Why am I going through life? What am I trying to accomplish? Will I just be another human that lived during a random century, or will I become remembered in history for something? Do I want to be remembered in history?
    I feel like sometimes I exist to make others happy my parents, friends, family. I strive for a career that is interesting, but what else? I enjoy my hobbies, reading, Kung Fu, food, friends, but all of this feels just okay. I live for others because I would feel horrible if I was to cause anyone pain from me being gone. Is that alright though? to just live because others would be sad? I don't feel a strong drive for being alive. I feel as though I am here just until I am done then that's it. I want to accomplish things of course; like becoming a better black belt, becoming really good at my job, travelling more of the world. I would say starting a family, but I don't see that happening anytime soon. Rather it might never happen ever.
   I would say right now I am still striving for the most out of life. I know when I am with others I feel amazing and have tons of fun, but when I am by myself I am just in standby mode waiting for someone to come along so I may activate again and have fun. I do have genuine fun when I am doing any of these things I have said here, and sometimes can't wait until next time.
   I am just confused right now. I guess you could say a lot of this thought does stem from never being in a real relationship. Where someone wants you and is interested in you. You know it physically hurts my heart and I feel it whenever I think about that.  I want to share my life with someone, but I don't think I will ever get the chance. If I do, I feel like I will be on my death bed by the time I get to feel any of that.
  Well I don't like this blog. I don't like it when I do the whole "poor me" blog.

Sifu Langner