Moving Forwards

  I have been thinking about why is progress never a straight line. Why must there be speed bump, pot holes, twist and turns, and even getting lost or making a wrong turn. Why must I struggle to become better or accomplish anything?

 I think the answer for me is all of it is necessary. It’s the highs the lows and the good times and the hard times. It all gets jumbled together and can become progress. I think it only becomes progress if I don’t give up. If I continue to push forward or write another blog. I keep moving forwards.

 I will trip and fall many times, but keeping myself in an environment of extraordinary individuals. I can become better. I might not always be doing well, but I will be moving forward even if it’s only a centimetre.

  I will write more blogs in the future where I might not be doing well mentally or physically, but I will be moving forwards. 

  I want to change my life for the better and it all starts with me. I can stop blogging and quit Kung fu and I already know for me I would be heading to the darkest timeline for me. So that’s not an option.

  I will be again someday in the better head space and maybe even healthier, but I have to start moving forwards and accept my faults and do better. I cannot change the past, but I can start living in the present and strive for a better future.

  I have a YouTube channel I am enjoying making and I have parents that are willing to go to the ends of the earth for me and I have friends who are willing to reach out to me when I am struggling. Now it’s time for me to wake up and take all these beautiful things I do have in my life and start doing something. 

  I need to keep all of that in the fore front of my mind and stop feeding my negative instincts and start developing more often my positive instincts.

 It’s time to move forwards 

I have done some kung fu this week. It was not a lot, but I am doing something which is still progress. I will be better, but I will strive to always try to increase my numbers. Anyways here are some numbers:

Acts of kindness: 1700

Km: 1450

Sit ups: 7300

Push ups: 7300

Da mu hsing: 150

Drum stick form: 250

Spar: 108

The Power of Blog

 Blogging has been a huge tool in my life that I have used to better myself multiple times in my life. I have seen in my past the hardest times in I Ho Chuan for me was when I did not blog.  When life got hard or I got busy, I dropped blogging and those were very harsh years for me.

  I have 2 years in memory where I blogged every week and did better with it. This year is one of them. I am still struggling this year with I Ho Chuan, but the blogging has helped me keep what is happening to me in the for front. Blogging has helped me not fall off the wagon completely. It has helped me stay engaged in life.

 I have many blogs where I like what I wrote and blogs that I did not like, or even hated, but I don’t regret making them. I show everyone who I am and what I am going through, while using the blog selfishly for myself to help me. If others find what I write helpful then that is a great bonus for me. 

 I have made blogs in the past as a purely wanting to help others, but it did the opposite for me. I would not keep myself accountable for what I said. I still believe in what I say positively in my blogs, but I have also taking more accountability for what positive point I make, by making sure I am at least doing them myself.

  I would have never thought in a million years that blogging has the power to change your own life or those around you, but it does. I have never seen someone do worse in the I Ho Chuan because they blogged for the whole year. I have always seen people including myself come out better afterwards. 

Blogging is the best time to vent and update and inform everyone and yourself where you are at; Physically and mentally.

  There will be sad blogs and depressing blogs, and happy and inspirational blogs. The only blogs that are no good are the blogs you never wrote. I have certainly done my fair share of doing that. 

  This year committing to doing these blogs has helped me immensely. I will always have more ups and downs in life, but I will always have a blog to make. The power of a blog is truly monumental.

 Anyways that all I have for today thank you all for reading this blog and reading my journey for this year. I do have some numbers to post.

Acts of kindness: 1600

Km: 1400

Sit ups: 7250

Push ups: 7250

Da mu hsing: 145

Drum stick form: 220

Spar: 108

How Do I Want to Be Remembered?

 I have thought about this sometime in life and never really put much thought into it. I tend to never brag or tell people I meet or even at work who I am. I have worked well over 2 years at a job and no one there knew I even practiced kung fu.

I have joked with friends at being the best at something, but never actually thinking I’m the best. That is probably a separate issue of mine where I usually don’t give myself any credit for things I have accomplished.

  I have done kind acts in secret a lot, because in my mind the goal was achieving the kind act and I’m self satisfied. Sometimes people find out, but I don’t seek other peoples approval for the good deed I accomplished.

  I don’t try and make connections outside of the micro circle I have. I actually believe I will someday just be completely forgotten right away. The small blip I was in this massive thing we call life.

 I know technically everyone meets certain aspects of being forgotten over time. I know they are probably billions of people that no one even knows they ever existed. The only true way to be remembered is to accomplish something truly grand historically; good or bad.

  So in the grand scheme of things that’s why I have seen so many books or videos explaining the importance of the here and now and to live life to the fullest. Take chances and maybe something amazing will happen. 

 I know for fact that depending what you do in life is how you will be remembered. Some maybe short, some maybe longer, or the rare few being timeless. I realize focusing on how I will be remembered will not really get me anywhere.

  At least not for me. If anything it makes me think about how much I am wasting my here and now. I am simply a jelly blob. I’m not really contributing to society and I’m not really moving my life forwards. I’m simply have a pair of lungs that can breath. 

   I honestly am wondering what I am waiting for. I’m waiting for the perfect time that will never show up. I’m waiting to lose weight without putting in the effort. I’m trying to move my life forward while I live in my hobbit hole. 

  I have already got to experience that I was close to losing my life after my major car accident(I found out almost a year after the accident from my father the truly dire situation I was in). So a near death experience did not truly motivate me. I have lost a small amount of people from my life forever, and I still was only temporarily motivated. 

 I do remember a few times in life I have been motivated and one was to get my black belt. My mother achieving her black belt inspired me to go back to kung fu and change my life forever for the better. I guess it’s fair to say that sometimes in life there will be motivation and sometimes in the low points there will not be any.

   I don’t really have anything in my life right now that is motivational. I have some outlets I have used to keep me going slightly, but always slightly. I just right now see clearly a path I have laid before me going faster into the ground. Completely bypassing life at a breakneck speed.

  It does get tiring making blog after blog about how miserable my head space can be sometimes. I would like even saying that I have brought forward my issues so now I can start to heal, but I don’t. Multiple blogs I have pointed out my problems and what I need to do and how to do, to fix my problems. Then after the blogs done I do nothing most of the times.

  Do I have to wait to change my life around after it gets even worse? I know the right answer is no and I could prevent it now, but after this blog the only confident thing I can say is I won’t be changing tomorrow. I will maybe have a day or two, but I will be back there shortly.

 I can be so confident in being useless, but not in being positive, because being positive would require me to start pushing that boulder up hill finally. Confident in mediocrity but not extraordinary. I have a poor attitude right now. Being lazy is my strongest trait. 

 I love my parents. I am apart of a positive community called the I ho chuan. They’re people out there that do care about me. I can be a better person. I have the potential to be better. I needed to end this blog on a positive note, because I was going down a dark rabbit hole there.

  Thank you for reading my long blog. No new numbers.

  

  

Intervention

  I have had 2 small-ish interventions in like 2 days. Both interventions dealt with the exact same issue. Neither of them ever talked to each other or even are aware of the other person existence. One was my roommate and the other was my father.

  They both addressed the issue of me being a hobbit and not being social at all. I live, eat, sleep in my hobbit hole. I venture out sometimes to go to my parents, or sometimes kung fu, but I always head back to my hobbit hole.

 My roommate commented on why was I not interacting with them at all. I seem to have disappeared and they did not even know if I was in my hobbit hole, because I am a quiet person. They actually were frustrated about not being able to give me praise or a compliment about me doing a good job cutting the grass and using the weed wacker. I told no one that I cut it and cut it when no one was there, so I guess it was a small mystery for them.

  I never thought about how avoiding them could make some of them feel as if I could maybe not like them. When in reality I have zero issues with any of them and I think they are all good people.

  My father mentioned to me I seem to be stalled in life right now and pointed out the hobbit life style of mine and concern about my lack of being proactive about changing my situation. He started talking about all the issues I am very well aware of and doing nothing about it.

  It’s like I am watching my life going into a slow car crash and all I have to do is fix it is turn slightly to the left. I don’t even touch the steering wheel. I go and sit in the back seat and get comfy.

  It’s clearly not coincidence that two people in my life with no connection both have the same issue. Maybe both coming at a slightly different angle, but same premise.

 I guess my parents learned something new about me and that is I want all this social interaction, but it never crosses my mind about other people that are my friends, how is there day going? I wonder what they are doing? 

  I tend to never think about others and how is situation is. It is not a thought or an idea I ever think of. I have a friend that I have known since elementary and I have not talked with him for well over 2 decades. 

  I don’t really have anything else to add. I am clearly a hobbit and I’m slowly losing my life to poor decisions. I get really stressed when I have to do social events.  

  I am not sure how to wrap up this blog, but clearly I have issues that even two people in my life see it very clearly. 

 Anyways thanks for reading this long blog and I do have some numbers:

Acts of kindness: 1500

Km: 1360

Sit ups: 7230

Push ups: 7230

Da mu hsing: 141

Drum stick form: 205

Spar: 108

Why am I self sabotaging?

  I choose to eat poorly. I choose to not always train. I choose to be antisocial. I choose consistently to make the worst choice. I instill in myself fear and laziness. I don’t reach out to friends I have made or already have. I choose isolation. 

  I want friends to hang out with and I don’t make the effort to make it happen. I want to have a family someday, but I don’t put myself out there to meet someone. I want to lose weight, but I don’t make the right choices to make it happen. I choose to stay comfy in my bed and watch YouTube. I wish I was working right now, but I’m not. 

  In the electrical field of work right now seems not a lot of work is happening right now, or I’m just not applying to the right places. I’m also in a union and nothing has been showing up on the job board.

  Luckily right now I am not struggling financially, but I still feel like I am a young kid who just left his parents house looking to get on my own two feet and I am 36 and have come to a complete stall.  

 I can’t help myself and compare my life and see where other people who are around my age or younger and have so much more than me. I’m not ignorant to the fact that sure some had a bit more luck than me, but also they worked for that life they have. It was not handed to them. I don’t compare out of envy, but out of what I could learn to achieve the same goals.

  I realize their story to what they have is uniquely theirs and maybe what they did won’t apply to me, but I am trying to find my own story for me. I am trying to learn on how to accomplish my goals. Unfortunately even if I learn a new tool I can use to make me a better person I turn away. I also know that the grass always seems greener on the other side. When possibly I am already on the greener side.

 I don’t put the effort in. I’m at least 286 lbs now. When will I turn my life around? Why can’t I say this is the blog that now I will start improving after this blog. I think I can’t say those words on here, because it would just be word candy to me and everyone reading.  I know it would hold no substance. It would sound sweet to the ear, but have no nutritional value.

  I write this blog in despair knowing I’m going to do the same thing tomorrow. I might get to train a little bit tomorrow. Which I will enjoy, but after that I will go back to my place and go to my bed and eat, watch and read, and sleep. Repeat. I hopefully will show up to both my classes, but I am always ashamed as a human being. 

 I’m the pinnacle and peak of Mediocracy. 

   Even as I write the blog I loathe it so. I think to myself “aww poor me has a life that is not hard and he’s just lazy” “ look he is having a little pity party for living a comfy life boo hoo” “ just grow up already, your not a kid anymore, be an adult” “ you’re pathetic you have all this opportunity to become a better person and you’re wasting it” “ you deserve nothing”

 I wish I had positive words ringing in my ears all the time, but I don’t. It’s not that I am unaware of the positive I just know I keep them on the back burner.

 What positives about myself so at least the whole blog is not negative. I have parents who love me and care for me. I am still enjoying working on making content for my YouTube channel. I still try to be kind whenever I can. I am really good at being a cheerleader. ( not now, but I believe in you) When I do put my mind to something I will do whatever I need to do to accomplish my goal. I have use of all my limbs. I can breathe comfortably. I can see with 20/20 vision. I do have some really good friends in my life I should reach out to more often.

 Anyways a very long blog, but thank you again for reading this crazy one. I appreciate your time and effort to reading all of this and I’m truly trying to learn from you. Also no numbers unfortunately.

  

Thanksgiving Back Pain

   Well this will be my most likely my shortest blog for this year of I Ho Chaun. I am currently just enjoying my time with my family and getting ready to play some Pathfinder card game. 

 My lower back on Thursday morning for some reason decided to just hurt me. I was getting out of bed and all of a sudden ouch. I thought nothing of it, but as the day went on it got worse to the point just putting on pants hurt. I don’t believe this back pain will last long. 

  Luckily I think it will be a fairly fast recovery. It already is feeling better not 100, but better. Having random bumps in the road like this happens and all I can do is react the best way I can to said speed bump.

  My kung fu for this week has been ok. I am happy I still went to I Ho Chaun class. I got to see how a lot of people reacted to surprise targets. I kept thinking to myself I wanted to do a front thrust kick for some high targets. The front thrust can hit high, I was just not sure how high. A round house would have been fun to try as well.

  My kung fu journey right now is has been about being more engaged with my kung fu. I am still striving for better, but I am moving at least in a good direction.

  Thank you all for reading my blog and Happy Thanksgiving early day. Anyways here are some numbers:

Acts of kindness: 1450

Km: 1350

Sit ups: 7200

Push ups: 7200

Da mu hsing: 140

Drum stick form: 200

Spar: 108

Listen and Grow

 Some times in life I need to just listen and figure out what is trying to help me. If I get advice on something to help my martial arts, or life. Not only should I listen, but also think about what a person says to me, or those around me. 

 I have a bad habit sometimes of thinking I know what they are trying to communicate to me, but then when asked what did I learn, I can easily miss the mark. I don’t think it’s wrong trying to guess what the goal of any said lesson or advice is, but to be able to put my ego aside when I’m off the mark. 

  I also have a bad habit where during the moment of any said lesson I am fully engrossed in said day, but as soon as I leave the kwoon. I immediately start losing the knowledge that was presented that night. Then next time we show up and they ask so what did we talk about?

 Unfortunately it means then I did not practice what they were trying to show me or help me with. Even if I was confident in said lesson, I should still be taking the time I’m not at kung fu to absorb what was told to me that night.

  I get test brain sometimes. It’s where I would study and be very knowledgeable on said subject, but once the said test is done I forget what was even the correct answer or why they were correct. I think it’s due to just memorizing and not learning. I memorized what the correct answer was, but I did not learn it.

 It’s never fully like I learned absolutely nothing, but I carried myself in such a way for a very long time. It’s a poor excuse for why I act this way the real reason is just laziness. Sure some times I can be very busy and not have a lot of time for kung fu, maybe just a little bit, but ultimately laziness for me.

The power of listening is a good skill, but means nothing if it’s just in one ear and out the other. I have listen for a very long time at kung fu and there have certainly been a lot of things I have been taught that have stuck with me for a very long time, but I need to be continuously striving to learn what is being taught to me and not just memorized. Memorizing is still there but it can’t be the only tool I use.

 I’m am lucky enough to be surrounded by very experienced and full of knowledge martial artists . The way I think might be slightly, or way off mark, but it’s why I love kung fu so much. I always have so much to learn. I sometimes have to accept when I am just not at the same level as others.   It’s a celebration that I have really great opportunities to challenge myself and learn from amazing people. It time to absorb the knowledge and apply and ask if I am unsure.

   Thank you for reading my blog. This blogging experience for me has been the most consistent blogging I have ever done in a very long time. I am happy I get to share with you my journey.

Anyways here are some numbers:

Acts of kindness: 1400

Km: 1300

Sit ups: 7100

Push ups: 7100

Da mu hsing: 135

Drum stick form: 190

Spar: 108