Grand People

Hello I just want to say thank you to all who gave me encouragement and nice comments to read. I really appreciate them and took a lot of what was said to heart. I had a really good talk recently and seen that I need to take care of myself and try and find ways to boost my self confidence. Also I got to stop looking for distractions in my life and start looking for things I want to be doing in my life. Now I will try to explain that better, but I could not think of a better way to say it. 
    I go to kung fu, I read Manga and light novels, I play video games, I play Dungeon and Dragons, Hanging out with friends. I put all these things into the category of distracting myself from my life; so I don't have to think about it. When I am alone I think of my life and become more depressed and become more depressed( I know I typed it in twice ) I have to start thinking when I am by myself what great things have I experienced today and what new wonders await for me tomorrow.      
     Everything I put in the distraction list I have to change my way of thinking of those things, because I do enjoy all those things I do, but after those things I do are done I normally return to my deep dark self hating dungeon. I want to turn my distractions into a fun part of my day, then when I am done doing them I continue to pursue the grander things in my life. I need to find a way to be happy with myself when I am alone.
  I remember when I was younger and had no concept of self yet; I just lived. What I mean by that is when I was younger I enjoyed every new thing in life that came at me. I did not care what I looked liked to the world. I did not care whether I had a girlfriend or not; I just wanted to enjoy being me. Now that I'm older I think about all of those things all the time when I am by myself. I think about how I'm overweight, I think I am ugly, I think I am just a big whiney baby who has a great life, but does not appreciate it, I fear of being alone forever. I don't want to be in my 40's or 50's by the time I meet my first real girlfriend. I currently have a low experience rate at dating. Heck I still get flustered at holding a womans hand ( someone I might be interested in only though) Which to me seems like something that I should of gone through in jr high or high school, but that did not happen for me.
  I did not have a very social life growing up. I only started to develop any sort of social life when I came back to kung fu.
   Anyways I know I have a lot to work on for my self mentally and physically. I started this blog thinking I was gonna write so many positive things then it kinda went the other way, but I was just trying to say I know I have to change my way of thinking and start enjoying my life more, because they are so many grand people in my life and I don't want to be known as that depressed guy. I might already by now be known for that, but I really don't want that. I will change and I want to like myself.
     Don't know how to end it so just gonna say see you in the next blog.


Sifu R . Langner

Blue Moon

Hello everyone it has been far to long since my last blog. I will say that I have had a rough year mentally and physically. I struggle to make the good decisions in my life, and care none for the consequence those decisions hold. That was my main train of thought. I won't say I am 100% better, but I am trying to make the better decisions in my life. I do suffer from a huge lack of self worth, and self esteem. I have a hard time believing anything good can happen to me and when it does I still am in disbelief, because I have been proven many time that my hope for more for myself was just a lie. Usually it is also temporary, so I don't get to excited and just let the moment of happiness pass by because it is easier to not be hurt when the happiness disappears. I have started to make emotion a choice to have. I can still get sad or happy naturally, but I tend to suppress it, because it has not always yielded good things for me. I wish I could say I feel happy and positive right now about trying to change for the better, but I don't. I just feel like I am trying to please the side of me that wants to be better, but at the same time not caring or wanting to. If I had a choice right now I would want to stop trying in everything, no more work, no more social life, no more of my life. It just seems all useless to me. BUT that is unreasonable choice that is selfish and will affect others and people I care for, so that is not a choice, neither a option ever on the table. I guess you could say I wished I never existed.   
  Now I have re-read this a few times and see how bad these last few lines might have sounded, but just in case none of this was saying anything towards the side of suicide. It has never crossed my mind to do such a thing; just to make things clear.
 I do feel like giving up sometime, but in the sense that I would just fade away into the wind like dust sort of thing. I never feel good about releasing these kind of blogs, because I don't know if people will take what I say the wrong way, or I might just be a big whinny baby. Well this is not a great blog to be coming back on, but I guess it is a start.


Sifu R. Langner 
 

Sick

Hey everyone I guess you could say I started a new job. I now work at the stantec tower. It seems so far pretty interesting, but I think I either worried myself to get sick, or got sick naturally. Either way I feel pretty bad. Working there I do feel intimated, because I don't know how to do some of the task they are asking of me and I worry of losing my job. I feel I could lose this opportunity at any second, because I learn things differently from everyone. I need to see how it is done first then I can get better at it then maybe improve upon it. When they talk to me about how to get the job done I draw a blank, because I cannot imagine what they are trying to tell me.  I am the only one who does not understand on what or how we will accomplish the goal. I get flustered, because I feel useless and feel like they see that too. Then I hear some of these apprentices have been doing the trade since they were like 16, while I just started 2 years ago. I know I still have a lot to learn and in time I hope to be able to be just as knowledgeable. 
 I know I should just focus on putting one foot forward at a time and continue to keep trying to do my best, but I don't feel my best is good enough for them.


Sifu R. Langner

Happy Wedding Day

Hello everyone it was quite a day yesterday. Just wanna say again congratulation Mel and Dan for an amazing wedding and a memory for life. I like to say I had a lot of fun at their wedding. I got to meet some new people and got to dress up bit; it was a truly exquisite day. The lion dance was spectacular. I saw a few people become fans of the lion dance that day. I don't actually want to talk about anything else really in this blog. I just want to live in the moment of that day for now. I remember my old self who would be scared and hiding in the basement or corner somewhere. I would be just waiting to go home, but me back then was also alone. Now I get to go to these events and share it with friends and family. I see now why people do like to do these things, because it is fun. Now I am in no hurry to start going to random place by myself, but I look forward to the next time I get to have fun with strangers and people I care about.
 Remember everyone ordinary people extraordinary actions.


Sifu R. Langner

Step 3

Hey so this week was just ok. I did less of what my goals I wanted to accomplish, but I also could not do to working a ton of overtime. I basically got up to go to work then came home and went to bed to sleep and be ready for the next day.
  So what I learned was that I have to adapt my schedule and move it around. For me it has to be a living organism that can change and grow with me. Also I have to be less hard on myself when I can't complete a goal when it was out of my hands. I have to remember that life happens sometimes and I have to learn to adapt to it. I still made some bad decisions about ignoring some goals of mine. That is something I am still trying to fix. I either pick the bad down the hill decision vs the up hill decision.
    One offers no resistance and an easy way out, but in the end I have brought myself down. While the other offers great resistance and a hard road ahead, but after reaching the end there is riches to be had mentally and physically. I just keep choosing the downhill path.
  That's all I have this time so remember everyone stay extraordinary.


Sifu R. Langner

Step 2

So this week went a little better but not perfect. I had some help to accomplish more this week. I got to go to kung fu and it all started from a little help from a simple text and everyone's support. What I have learned is that now that I have a plan and a way to enact the plan; it is time for some follow through, action, execution. No plan will succeed if you don't start trying to do something.
  I am still trying and struggling a bit, but it does not seem as hard before. It is still going to be a long journey for me to try become more active and more motivated in my life, but I guess in life your journey is always growing and evolving.
  Also I just finished a school learning test that is done by a psychologist. So I learned that 100 means your average, but kinda smart, and 120 means your a genius. So my scores were for math 108 and 113 so pretty good there. I had one kinda low score at 84 for pronouncing fake words. Apparently there is a system to say words correctly even if it is made up. What surprised me the most was the essay I wrote in 10 minutes(essay was about kung fu); the score I got for that was 148. Shocked the heck out of me, but what the psychologist found out is that I have a low level of ADHD. I have been diagnose this before, but last time they diagnose me they said I had full blown ADHD. Which I did not believe and proved them wrong. Apparently though even low levels of ADHD can have a huge impact on my life. Like for example if I am really interested in something and motivated to accomplish it I will do so very easily, but if I show no motivation or even not a lot of interest like my own well being I will struggle with trying to focus on it and be easily distracted and become unmotivated. Also found out that is effects my short term memory. So basically I found out why it is so easy for me sometimes to make the bad decision verses the right decision.
  I am not gonna blame everything that has happen to me on this low level of ADHD, but it does help knowing why I make some of the choices I have made in life.
 Anyways I will see you all next time so remember everyone ordinary people extraordinary actions.

Sifu R. Langner

The Comfy Space

 I am really struggling right now. I don't know how else to put it other that I am really struggling. I live in my world where I want change, but I do nothing. My LifeRPG was really good, but I was not I failed completing some task I set for myself, but I did complete some. I studied some Japanese and did some running for 2 days, did my push ups and sit ups for 2 days, but failed to go to kung fu. I tried to set my goals and task to not be to harsh to handle, but I fall back into default mode. I have 30 mins of running Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I study Japanese for 30 mins on the same days and I was doing 50 counter push ups and 150 sit ups.
  I live my life in a space that is comfy, but has no potential for change or growth. If anything right now I barely felt like writing this blog, but I am writing this blog right now because I feel like this is my last saving hope. It is my doorway to being apart of some change I could become. I feel as though I am giving up on my own life. I don't care what happens to me, I feel as though I am slowly fading away. I try to bring myself out of this state, but it is so tempting to me to stay in that life, because it requires minimal effort to live.
  I really do contemplate the value of my life all the time and how poorly I treat myself and why do I keep trying when I keep giving up. It's so frustrating. I want to be apart of change, I want to become change, I want to start change, but no will to do it. I stick to my little comfy space and I end up accomplishing a whole lot of nothing. The hole I dig myself keeps getting deeper and deeper, and it is getting harder and harder to climb back out. I am sorry, I seem to do a lot of complaining on here.
  Well I guess that is all I will write for now, I guess I am gonna try again this week, but I don't know if I can do it.Hopefully the next one I write is better.


Sifu R. Langner