Hey so I was thinking about how to change in my life and kung fu. Normally I want to accomplish grand goals but sometimes I forget what need to be done to achieve these grand goals in life. Those are the little everyday goals; that can end up one day accomplishing something amazing.
Like for example losing weight. When I was 310 lbs I wanted to lose a bunch a weight and become healthier. I ended up losing over 130 lbs within in 6 months and at one time weighed180 lbs. I achieved a grand goal, but did not recognize all the small little accomplishments I was making along the way . I did not recognize the little bit of weight I lost daily, the healthier eating I was doing, nor the more active person I became. I just knew I lost a bunch of weight and that was that.
I no longer weigh that obviously, but I have been making a steady climb back to 310 lbs. I am sad to say I am closer to being 310 lbs then to the 180 I once achieved. I know in my mind what need to be done but always lack the follow through. I now appreciate those little achievements I was able to pull off back then, because it meant I was sticking to something to become a healthier human being.
I know my last blog talked about being more positive with my word, but I still fear jumping into it we both feet, because I know what I am like. I can write down here.
" I am going to start eating healthier by going to the grocery store and buying my own food, and I won't eat what my parents cook for me anymore. I will eat more greens and fruits, and less meat, and carbs. I will be more active by going to kung fu Wednesday, Thursday, and Saturday. I will start working out more, by going to the gym and developing a routine of sorts that is maintainable for me. I will watch less t.v. I will like myself."
For me I can say these things, but by tomorrow I will not try any of it, nor will I feel good about making that decision. If I tell family and friends some will ask me so how is it coming along, or a general question about how I am doing with what I am trying to accomplish. I will say I have not started it yet, or I will start eventually. Then everyone forgets that I even said I would try this. Then I will write another blog about how I will need to change my lifestyle, and become more healthier. Rinse Repeat.
I am in a vicious cycle of getting nothing done. I really do want to say I will and I can, but it is hard for me to do so when your only accountability is myself and myself does not care. I think until I can get myself to care I am stuck in a cycle.
Well this blog got out of hand. I just wanted to talk about appreciating all the small goals that you make when trying to achieve a big goal. Anyways I am a work in progress and I truly hope to make more improvements in my life.
Sifu R. Langner
Sunday, 28 January 2018
Sunday, 21 January 2018
What's Next?
Hello everyone I was thinking to myself what I need to do to change my attitude towards kung fu and my life. I figure I should start with the words I say. I would say even this week I ended up saying negative stuff about myself in life and my kung fu. I seem to not accept anything good about myself, and when practicing to become better I tell myself how horrible I am, and I will never get better no matter how long, or hard I try.
I need to try and catch myself when I do this and start to re-phrase what I say. For example I said "apparently my drumming is really bad and not up to snuff." Now no one told me this, but this is what I had thought. What I should of said is "I feel like I still have a lot to learn and can't wait to learn more." Just by changing the way I said "I still need a lot of practice" brought into the equation two completely trains of thought. I changed it from not feeling of any improvement has been made and I will never make it; to a student who realizing they learned a lot and is looking forward to what they can accomplish if they keep going.
The Power of words have a power of putting you in the improper mind set of a challenge all because the speaker chose some bad words to say over a more optimistic way of looking at things.
What this new ,I guess sorta game, I do is whenever things are going bad for me or others around me. I start telling a story on how well can I turn what is going on to them seem better. Basically create the silver lining; then focus on that.
Words are not just words . They can become your worst nightmare or be your best friend.I am current trying to become more involved in my life, by listen to the negative words I say to myself and try to rephrase what I say to become more positive look on my out life and kung fu.
Well I would like to start leaving my little quote's on here again so I'm gonna.
we are all ordinary people, but we all have the possibly of doing extraordinary action.
Sifu R. Langner
I need to try and catch myself when I do this and start to re-phrase what I say. For example I said "apparently my drumming is really bad and not up to snuff." Now no one told me this, but this is what I had thought. What I should of said is "I feel like I still have a lot to learn and can't wait to learn more." Just by changing the way I said "I still need a lot of practice" brought into the equation two completely trains of thought. I changed it from not feeling of any improvement has been made and I will never make it; to a student who realizing they learned a lot and is looking forward to what they can accomplish if they keep going.
The Power of words have a power of putting you in the improper mind set of a challenge all because the speaker chose some bad words to say over a more optimistic way of looking at things.
What this new ,I guess sorta game, I do is whenever things are going bad for me or others around me. I start telling a story on how well can I turn what is going on to them seem better. Basically create the silver lining; then focus on that.
Words are not just words . They can become your worst nightmare or be your best friend.I am current trying to become more involved in my life, by listen to the negative words I say to myself and try to rephrase what I say to become more positive look on my out life and kung fu.
Well I would like to start leaving my little quote's on here again so I'm gonna.
we are all ordinary people, but we all have the possibly of doing extraordinary action.
Sifu R. Langner
Sunday, 14 January 2018
Old Friend
Hello everyone I know it has been awhile since I last posted a blog. I guess you could say I am a bit scared right now to jump with both feet in. This has do you with my kung fu and my life. I know right now I need to make a change in my diet, training, and my overall approach to my life. I fear and worry of losing time on other things I like to do, but accomplish nothing, but makes me feel relaxed. I get home form work and sit and rest until the next day all the while I eat unhealthy.
I know how and what I need to do to lose the weight, but this time feels different. I had an iron will and determination that would not faultier in the goal of losing weight and becoming healthier. This time I waiver and doubt that I will go through with the changes permanently. I feel like I will try for a week then give up like I have done so many times in the past. Except for the one time when I did not.
I am not sure where or how I got the iron will before; all I know is that it developed when I found out I was 310 lbs. When I first found out that info I was shocked that I had become over 300 lbs. I could not accept this, so I changed my life around lost my weight and re-joined kung fu again and got my black belt. Now I look and the scale and I do not like what I see, but my iron will is not reborn.
I guess now that I re read this blog I get the sense of engagement of my life has changed drastically. When I lost my weight I was very engaged and the tools of kung fu and I Ho Chuan helped me stay engaged. Then when I stopped using the tools provided for me I became less engaged in my own life. Now that I have not been doing so many of the requirements it all makes sense to me now why I have started on this path, I have unfortunately started.
Every requirement that the I Ho Chuan ask of all of us is not impossible. Every requirement on there accomplish something different, but they also all accomplish one goal as well. That is becoming more aware and engaged in your surroundings and your own well being. I have been struggling and wondering how I was gonna change my life back to where I was more engaged for the longest time and I just realized now that it has been in front of my face this whole entire time. I Ho Chuan requirements if I do them I will see results I will like, if I don't do them I will be in the current state I am currently in. I plan to try harder in the rest of my I ho chuan year, and the next one after that as well.
You know there is a reason why I chose the title old friend. Blogging has sometime helped me think clearer or find an answer I have been struggling for the longest time. Then I write a blog, and the blog listens, I work through what is going in my head and the blog listens, I re-read my blog and the blog gives helpful advice. Now to me that sounds like a good friend to have, and when you neglect a good friend like that, things tend not to go as well. So I will end this for now and say thank you old friend.
Sifu R. Langner
I know how and what I need to do to lose the weight, but this time feels different. I had an iron will and determination that would not faultier in the goal of losing weight and becoming healthier. This time I waiver and doubt that I will go through with the changes permanently. I feel like I will try for a week then give up like I have done so many times in the past. Except for the one time when I did not.
I am not sure where or how I got the iron will before; all I know is that it developed when I found out I was 310 lbs. When I first found out that info I was shocked that I had become over 300 lbs. I could not accept this, so I changed my life around lost my weight and re-joined kung fu again and got my black belt. Now I look and the scale and I do not like what I see, but my iron will is not reborn.
I guess now that I re read this blog I get the sense of engagement of my life has changed drastically. When I lost my weight I was very engaged and the tools of kung fu and I Ho Chuan helped me stay engaged. Then when I stopped using the tools provided for me I became less engaged in my own life. Now that I have not been doing so many of the requirements it all makes sense to me now why I have started on this path, I have unfortunately started.
Every requirement that the I Ho Chuan ask of all of us is not impossible. Every requirement on there accomplish something different, but they also all accomplish one goal as well. That is becoming more aware and engaged in your surroundings and your own well being. I have been struggling and wondering how I was gonna change my life back to where I was more engaged for the longest time and I just realized now that it has been in front of my face this whole entire time. I Ho Chuan requirements if I do them I will see results I will like, if I don't do them I will be in the current state I am currently in. I plan to try harder in the rest of my I ho chuan year, and the next one after that as well.
You know there is a reason why I chose the title old friend. Blogging has sometime helped me think clearer or find an answer I have been struggling for the longest time. Then I write a blog, and the blog listens, I work through what is going in my head and the blog listens, I re-read my blog and the blog gives helpful advice. Now to me that sounds like a good friend to have, and when you neglect a good friend like that, things tend not to go as well. So I will end this for now and say thank you old friend.
Sifu R. Langner
Sunday, 12 November 2017
Grand People
Hello I just want to say thank you to all who gave me encouragement and nice comments to read. I really appreciate them and took a lot of what was said to heart. I had a really good talk recently and seen that I need to take care of myself and try and find ways to boost my self confidence. Also I got to stop looking for distractions in my life and start looking for things I want to be doing in my life. Now I will try to explain that better, but I could not think of a better way to say it.
I go to kung fu, I read Manga and light novels, I play video games, I play Dungeon and Dragons, Hanging out with friends. I put all these things into the category of distracting myself from my life; so I don't have to think about it. When I am alone I think of my life and become more depressed and become more depressed( I know I typed it in twice ) I have to start thinking when I am by myself what great things have I experienced today and what new wonders await for me tomorrow.
Everything I put in the distraction list I have to change my way of thinking of those things, because I do enjoy all those things I do, but after those things I do are done I normally return to my deep dark self hating dungeon. I want to turn my distractions into a fun part of my day, then when I am done doing them I continue to pursue the grander things in my life. I need to find a way to be happy with myself when I am alone.
I remember when I was younger and had no concept of self yet; I just lived. What I mean by that is when I was younger I enjoyed every new thing in life that came at me. I did not care what I looked liked to the world. I did not care whether I had a girlfriend or not; I just wanted to enjoy being me. Now that I'm older I think about all of those things all the time when I am by myself. I think about how I'm overweight, I think I am ugly, I think I am just a big whiney baby who has a great life, but does not appreciate it, I fear of being alone forever. I don't want to be in my 40's or 50's by the time I meet my first real girlfriend. I currently have a low experience rate at dating. Heck I still get flustered at holding a womans hand ( someone I might be interested in only though) Which to me seems like something that I should of gone through in jr high or high school, but that did not happen for me.
I did not have a very social life growing up. I only started to develop any sort of social life when I came back to kung fu.
Anyways I know I have a lot to work on for my self mentally and physically. I started this blog thinking I was gonna write so many positive things then it kinda went the other way, but I was just trying to say I know I have to change my way of thinking and start enjoying my life more, because they are so many grand people in my life and I don't want to be known as that depressed guy. I might already by now be known for that, but I really don't want that. I will change and I want to like myself.
Don't know how to end it so just gonna say see you in the next blog.
Sifu R . Langner
I go to kung fu, I read Manga and light novels, I play video games, I play Dungeon and Dragons, Hanging out with friends. I put all these things into the category of distracting myself from my life; so I don't have to think about it. When I am alone I think of my life and become more depressed and become more depressed( I know I typed it in twice ) I have to start thinking when I am by myself what great things have I experienced today and what new wonders await for me tomorrow.
Everything I put in the distraction list I have to change my way of thinking of those things, because I do enjoy all those things I do, but after those things I do are done I normally return to my deep dark self hating dungeon. I want to turn my distractions into a fun part of my day, then when I am done doing them I continue to pursue the grander things in my life. I need to find a way to be happy with myself when I am alone.
I remember when I was younger and had no concept of self yet; I just lived. What I mean by that is when I was younger I enjoyed every new thing in life that came at me. I did not care what I looked liked to the world. I did not care whether I had a girlfriend or not; I just wanted to enjoy being me. Now that I'm older I think about all of those things all the time when I am by myself. I think about how I'm overweight, I think I am ugly, I think I am just a big whiney baby who has a great life, but does not appreciate it, I fear of being alone forever. I don't want to be in my 40's or 50's by the time I meet my first real girlfriend. I currently have a low experience rate at dating. Heck I still get flustered at holding a womans hand ( someone I might be interested in only though) Which to me seems like something that I should of gone through in jr high or high school, but that did not happen for me.
I did not have a very social life growing up. I only started to develop any sort of social life when I came back to kung fu.
Anyways I know I have a lot to work on for my self mentally and physically. I started this blog thinking I was gonna write so many positive things then it kinda went the other way, but I was just trying to say I know I have to change my way of thinking and start enjoying my life more, because they are so many grand people in my life and I don't want to be known as that depressed guy. I might already by now be known for that, but I really don't want that. I will change and I want to like myself.
Don't know how to end it so just gonna say see you in the next blog.
Sifu R . Langner
Monday, 30 October 2017
Blue Moon
Hello everyone it has been far to long since my last blog. I will say that I have had a rough year mentally and physically. I struggle to make the good decisions in my life, and care none for the consequence those decisions hold. That was my main train of thought. I won't say I am 100% better, but I am trying to make the better decisions in my life. I do suffer from a huge lack of self worth, and self esteem. I have a hard time believing anything good can happen to me and when it does I still am in disbelief, because I have been proven many time that my hope for more for myself was just a lie. Usually it is also temporary, so I don't get to excited and just let the moment of happiness pass by because it is easier to not be hurt when the happiness disappears. I have started to make emotion a choice to have. I can still get sad or happy naturally, but I tend to suppress it, because it has not always yielded good things for me. I wish I could say I feel happy and positive right now about trying to change for the better, but I don't. I just feel like I am trying to please the side of me that wants to be better, but at the same time not caring or wanting to. If I had a choice right now I would want to stop trying in everything, no more work, no more social life, no more of my life. It just seems all useless to me. BUT that is unreasonable choice that is selfish and will affect others and people I care for, so that is not a choice, neither a option ever on the table. I guess you could say I wished I never existed.
Now I have re-read this a few times and see how bad these last few lines might have sounded, but just in case none of this was saying anything towards the side of suicide. It has never crossed my mind to do such a thing; just to make things clear.
I do feel like giving up sometime, but in the sense that I would just fade away into the wind like dust sort of thing. I never feel good about releasing these kind of blogs, because I don't know if people will take what I say the wrong way, or I might just be a big whinny baby. Well this is not a great blog to be coming back on, but I guess it is a start.
Sifu R. Langner
Now I have re-read this a few times and see how bad these last few lines might have sounded, but just in case none of this was saying anything towards the side of suicide. It has never crossed my mind to do such a thing; just to make things clear.
I do feel like giving up sometime, but in the sense that I would just fade away into the wind like dust sort of thing. I never feel good about releasing these kind of blogs, because I don't know if people will take what I say the wrong way, or I might just be a big whinny baby. Well this is not a great blog to be coming back on, but I guess it is a start.
Sifu R. Langner
Monday, 4 September 2017
Sick
Hey everyone I guess you could say I started a new job. I now work at the stantec tower. It seems so far pretty interesting, but I think I either worried myself to get sick, or got sick naturally. Either way I feel pretty bad. Working there I do feel intimated, because I don't know how to do some of the task they are asking of me and I worry of losing my job. I feel I could lose this opportunity at any second, because I learn things differently from everyone. I need to see how it is done first then I can get better at it then maybe improve upon it. When they talk to me about how to get the job done I draw a blank, because I cannot imagine what they are trying to tell me. I am the only one who does not understand on what or how we will accomplish the goal. I get flustered, because I feel useless and feel like they see that too. Then I hear some of these apprentices have been doing the trade since they were like 16, while I just started 2 years ago. I know I still have a lot to learn and in time I hope to be able to be just as knowledgeable.
I know I should just focus on putting one foot forward at a time and continue to keep trying to do my best, but I don't feel my best is good enough for them.
Sifu R. Langner
I know I should just focus on putting one foot forward at a time and continue to keep trying to do my best, but I don't feel my best is good enough for them.
Sifu R. Langner
Monday, 14 August 2017
Happy Wedding Day
Hello everyone it was quite a day yesterday. Just wanna say again congratulation Mel and Dan for an amazing wedding and a memory for life. I like to say I had a lot of fun at their wedding. I got to meet some new people and got to dress up bit; it was a truly exquisite day. The lion dance was spectacular. I saw a few people become fans of the lion dance that day. I don't actually want to talk about anything else really in this blog. I just want to live in the moment of that day for now. I remember my old self who would be scared and hiding in the basement or corner somewhere. I would be just waiting to go home, but me back then was also alone. Now I get to go to these events and share it with friends and family. I see now why people do like to do these things, because it is fun. Now I am in no hurry to start going to random place by myself, but I look forward to the next time I get to have fun with strangers and people I care about.
Remember everyone ordinary people extraordinary actions.
Sifu R. Langner
Remember everyone ordinary people extraordinary actions.
Sifu R. Langner
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