Hey everyone I would just like to say firstly that I have been going through a lot of personal battles. I have been wishing bad things for myself and completely hiding behind a mask. It is really hard for me to type this up right now, but I feel like I need must.
Right now in life things for me seem to be going pretty good, I am making big discoveries in my own kung fu and my-self, yet I feel empty. I have never had a more exciting life right now and yet I feel timid. I feel like I am pushing people away unintentionally. I feel like I am super selfish when I think that I have issues when my life could not be any better. I just feel like when am I gonna grow up and get over my-self.
I have said this before, but I focus on the negative so easily, and always forget the positive.
Negatives: I am not happy. I feel like there is a void. I feel alone. I am a good liar. I hate that part the most. I am not actually ever telling lies verbally to or about someone, but I am very good at hiding my personal troubles, not all of them, but the ones I am ashamed of. That is what I lie about. I am my own worst enemy. I don't accept who I am today, and think it is all a farce.
Positives: I have amazing friends, I finally have a career that I enjoy. I have two parents that love me so much. I lost so much weight. I am a lot more healthier than I used to be. I am more of a social person now. I have never truly love my kung fu as much as I do now. The demo that I have made up has made really happy in what everyone did and accomplished in one go through. I know that the demo could still be axed or completely changed, but I at least feel proud about it; and would still like to continue spearheading the demo. I will always see the good in others and the greatest potential in others. I don't get mad at people when they clearly do something wrong to me, becasue I assume that either something is not right in there life right now, or their are just having a bad day.
See I know my positives yet I really have a hard time ignoring the negatives.
I am sorry for more negativity from me. I am pretty much just being a big baby, and I should start to realize just how good I really have it. You all have always help me change and grow as a better person. I don't know what my life would be like if I was not in kung fu or the I Ho Chuan team.
The true meaning of the I Ho Chuan for me is the people and the lives we change everyday. So I just want to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart. You all mean so much to me and I sincerely hope you all have great lives and continue on this amazing journey we all have embarked on.
Well hopefully in my next blog I won't be so gloomy, but I guess I will see you all next time.
Sifu. R Langner
Take it from someone who is over 50 this will happen many times in your life. Outside things are looking good, other people have it a lot worse and yet there is something missing. I would like to reassure you that you are a key member of the team, I have a great deal of respect and admiration for your hardwork and talent. Don't discount your feelings that something is missing, investigate ... and not just the outward tangible stuff also the emotional/spiritual things that can be very difficult to identify. Burying or ignoring these feelings can come back and bite you later. We are here for you!
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