Shame

Hey.        I am becoming something that I am not; nor want to be. Every time I get the opportunity to go to kung fu I avoid it. Every time I try to make my life better I avoid it. On days I can go to kung fu I start to feel lethargic, and nervousness, and fear. Nervous that I have become worse and don't want to show anyone. Fearful of the friends I have disappointed in me not going. Fear in myself for not trying harder. I guess you could replace the word fear with guilt. Also I don't like making these sad or depressing blogs, but I guess you could say it is easier for me to tell you through blog rather in person. Then I feel nervous once again after I make a blog like this. Thinking to myself that oh there goes Randy again being sad and depressed again.
  I used to be a really good team member in the I Ho Chuan. I tried really hard to change my life and become a better person. Now I just feel like a charity case and slowly going back to who I used to be before I joined the I Ho Chuan team. Always whining  and never changing my ways and instead of inspiring other I could be possibly holding others back. I am not gonna lie I am pretty sad every day. It's hard to even try in my school for 3rd year right now.
   I don't want pity, but I feel like thats all I ever ask for. I do know a lot of what I said is bull and I know a lot of it is just in my head. Anyways I just don't know what to do. I do but I don't.


Sifu R. Langner