Comfort Zone

     This is a place where it is easy to set and live in. It is a place where I feel the safest and most secure. I do believe having a nice comfort zone can have its benefits sometimes, but right now is holding me back. I am at the stage where I talk about my faults of re connecting with society, and then continue to stay in my comfort zone. A place of mediocrity and content. It is a place for me where I stifle my own growth. 

 I want change then I do nothing. I want to interact more with the outside and then do nothing. It is like I believe that if I hope and pray for things to happen it will. I will stay in my comfort zone and things will get better. This is a lie I subconsciously tell myself that things will happen. 

  I need to do the actions if I want to see the change. I need to go out of my comfort zone if I want to see the change. I can cheer and ra ra till I’m blue in the face, but if I keep choosing to stay in my comfort zone, I will always fail. 

 I always find pointing out my issues for why I fail or not achieve something easy, but then do not correct my course of action to become successful. I could say I did not succeed in hammering in that nail, because I did not use a hammer, I used a water bottle. It did not work so I know to use the hammer to achieve my goal. Then for my next swing I pick up the water bottle and try again. I knowingly and willing chose to fail. 

 It is like I have purposely trapped myself in my own insanity. I play to many mind games in my head and when I get opportunities to be more social I stay in my comfort zone. Nothing says I have to be super talkative, but it would be a step in the right direction. 

 Being a hermit is an easy life. It is a life filled with being alone with my own thoughts and not a single care for the world. Nothing really changes, there are no challenges, no struggle, no growth. Me not taking the opportunity to fail and grow from new experiences. I do believe failing in life is a good thing, because I get to learn a lot from it and grow, but choosing to fail  is not growth. 

  It truly is easier to say I will change and start being more sociable, but they are empty words. I could write and say all the write things, but all of it may as well be a blank page if I do nothing. 

  I have to take the jump. It is a jump I do not want to do, but needed anyways. I am destined for solitude and dying alone from the world if I continue the path I’m on. I have had some family members and my parents friends who lived this type of life. I always said to myself I don’t want that type of life. Here I find myself walking the same path. Maybe they were happy and content living that way, but I know I am not.

Well I can’t think of a good way to wrap this blog up. I’m just ranting at this point. My numbers were not great this week, but I think they changed slightly. So thank you for reading all of this and here are some numbers.

Acts of kindness: 340

Km: 235

Sit ups: 3950

Push ups: 3950

Da mu hsing: 71

Drum stick form: 86

Spar: 108

  

Shoulders

  My arch nemesis my shoulders and mainly my right side. I have always had a love hate relationship with my shoulders. They are still fairly flexible but they do not like forms or push ups. I have just been doing a lot of physical physio exercises for my shoulders lately. 

  I don’t believe I have been going to hard on doing to much Physio on my shoulders, but I am still making progress with how many push ups I can do in a row. I can do 20, but my shoulders say I shouldn’t, because it will hurt me. 

  When I first started doing push ups again I was barely doing one. So I am making huge progress for me. I am trying to think about my situation and make it a positive one rather than a negative one. I have excuses for myself on why I should not do more push ups and start t-Rex my forms. I don’t want to do this; It is a path of taking the least resistance. 

  I know I need to progress wisely here. I am still going to give my shoulders the care and need they need to continue to be functional, but I am still going to attempt whatever I can do as a push up that is not as harsh for me at the moment. I am not doing 20 now, but I feel no issues or less pain when I go slow in my push ups.

 These shoulders of mine will slow my progress down, but I won’t let it define me like it has in the past. In the past I would slowly pull away from kung fu and use the excuse about my shoulders. It is a legit excuse and I could do more damage if I am to reckless with my training. I am tired of using this particular excuse even if it a good one. 

  I can still practice kung fu just not as fast or as hard as I would like to. I have to methodically place my punches and blocks, because if I don’t I will hurt myself more. I have to become more engaged with everything I do with my shoulders and how it interacts with the rest of my body.

  I am not so much in a situation where I feel major pain in my shoulders. I’m literally edging my shoulders and my limits. The biggest difference for me about my shoulders this time is that I am taking actions to make sure they don’t get worse. I am putting the time and effort to take care of my shoulders where last time I just pushed through or settled into mediocrity. I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes I made last time. I would back then maybe continue trying to do 20 push ups, but that would damage me and possibly make me have a huge set back.

  So I would say right now I am in a frustration mode, but not wanting to take the easy route. Doing nothing is my most strongest state I have trained and the most mastered. I know if I do to much resting on my shoulders I will eventually fall back into my bad habits. I am also in a just do something mode as well, because doing nothing begets me nothing. 

  If I have a day where the pain is very noticeable I do some basic arm movements and stretching. I get the rubber bands and see if I can do anything, but sometimes I can’t. So I do hot and cold on my shoulder and seems to alleviate the pain. Again I am not feeling immense pain; I can feel when my shoulders are telling me to take care of them. 

  I know what it is like to have major shoulder pain and I was miserable. I am a highly motivated individual right now to not hurt my shoulders and not lose my kung fu.

  Thank you again for taking the time to read yet another big blog, but that is time an effort I will always admire. Anyways here are some numbers.

Acts of kindness: 330

Km: 228

Sit ups: 3800

Push ups: 3800

Da mu hsing: 70

Drum stick form: 85

Spar: 108

   

Mending Relationships

  I have seen some blogging about this topic and for the first time I thought which of my relationships need mending. Who or what? I have never really pursued this one. Every year in I Ho Chaun I could never think of any relationships that needed mending. I always thought maybe I am lacking awareness in my family or something. 

  I have always shown my family great gratitude to the fact that we talk a lot. I have had many hours and long talks that have continued for years on issues that we are going through. 

 It did get to a point in our relationship where it felt like I was the middle man and used as a neutral party in discussions between family for many issues. It felt like I was an unlicensed therapist, but even that eventually faded after more talks about how it made me feel. 

  I am not trying to say my family is perfect and there is never anything to fix, or mend. It just seems to me that we always communicate whenever we have issues with each other or be an ear to listen. I have had many moments in my life with my father where he did things that, possibly other family’s could have fallen apart easily. My Father has definitely made huge mistakes, but I still talk to him about them and help him continue on his path. As he still helps me with mine.

  Besides family affairs my friend side has also been for the most part good as well. I don’t have to many friends, but the ones I do have a relationship with has been really good. I have had friends that became very negative and effective my life poorly, but I have no desire to see them again. All I hope for the friends that ended badly with me is that they have a successful and happy life. I am not on bad terms with the friendships that have ended.

 

  So after I looked at my relationships between family and friends I see no mending needed. When I think of the term relationship I see my relationship with life needs mending. I am literally living my life in a basement. I live in a house with 4 roommates and I get along with them fine, but I keep to myself. I see my parents on Friday and Saturday to play games, and Tuesday, Thursday I go out to Kung fu. I keep my interactions with the outside world to the highest minimum possible. I do all my kung fu practice in my confine room in the basement. I could easily go outside and practice with lots of room, but I don’t to avoid any possible interaction moments. 

    Interactions with strangers freaks me out. I would say when in the moment of talking to people I feel comfortable with my conversations tend to go on forever. I enjoy talking with people I know. I even consider joining an anime club that is adult ages and I have never gone, because I have to register to go and I chicken out every time. I even heard that there were a some there around my age. I have always enjoyed keeping to myself and never exposing myself outside, because I don’t want to take a chance on being judged on how I look. I’m content when I am in my literal hobbit hole, but I’m not happy. I’m the very cause of this. Life feels easier when no one can see you, but I cause myself to be more alone. I am a bad friend and a poor family member outside of my parents. I never make the effort once to contact anyone. They have made the effort to contact me, but I never returned it. 

   I do have gratitude for all the good things in my life. They are always at the forefront of my mind. It did not always have them, but even that took a long time to build up. I do believe I was harshly scared mentally when I was in junior high. I had many bully’s and the thing some girls said to me stuck with me all the way to 36. I know back then they were just kids and kids can be cruel, but unfortunately that cruelty can have lasting effects on some. 

I always remember that one moment in my life where I accidentally bumped into a girl in the hallway and we both fell on the ground, and I was about to help her back up and say “sorry are you ok?” But then she responded with a simple one word response “ew” with a look of disgust on her face. I just walked away angry and thought who cares. Psychologically wise I never really got over it. I never believed anyone when they say something positive about me. I have gotten better, but I am clearly not all the way there yet. Even when I had a girlfriend and she told me I was handsome I had doubts. I still do, but she must of been at least somewhat attracted to me. I want interactions out in the real world, but I don’t want the consequences for putting myself out there.

   I have watched a few things about showing that caring about what random people think of you is so minuscule in the grand scheme of things. I truly do know I am my biggest barrier here and the only thing right now holding me back is me. I even keep a bunch of quotes on my phone about how to have no fear. I can’t control what could happen out there if I put myself out there, but I still have it. I still fear it. 

   This was a really long blog and became bigger the more I thought about it as I typed, but thank you for taking your time to read all of this. I really admire that quality. Anyways here are some numbers.

Acts of kindness: 300

Km: 214

Sit ups: 3500

Push ups: 3500

Da mu hsing: 61

Drum stick form: 77

Spar: 108

Rest

  This week for me was more of recovering week for me. I still did some forms, sit ups, push ups, and some sparring. I was officially starting to feel the bad sore pains in my shoulders. It has taken me a very long time to be able to tell when my muscles are having a good sore vs a bad sore. I have been hyper focused into listening to my body telling me when to push harder and when to pull it back. 

  I have had lots of shoulder issues in the past, but normally I just push through and suffer the consequences later. Which for me would be eventually running away from kung fu. It is not immediately run away, just a bad habit of mine I am trying to break. 

  I am currently feeling really good in my shoulders again. I have tried to not become entrapped in the good excuse of  “ I am damaging my body so I deserve a 6 month rest”. Always within reason. I think anyone should do what they can and not what you should be doing; again within reason. The art of progressing wisely is definitely a life time achievement I strive for.

 I find it is really easy to take to much time for a legitimate reason to not practice, or exercise. So I have been using a lot of physio techniques I have learned to help keep my shoulders in the best shape they can be. I honestly do not like practicing my forms as a t-rex. It throws the flow completely off, but I did some instead of none.

  I have learned that all small victories mean something. It feels like I am re-learning life. I have been pursuing in looking for what is good that is happening in my life; rather than focusing on the negatives.  I know there are a lot of mediocracy traps in life that might start out as a positive, but turn into a negative.

  When  I get hurt, I rest the allotted time and maybe go a little bit longer and then maybe a little bit longer. I could of needed a bit longer, but I was also ready to start something even if it was just walking. Most people would not fault me for my choice because the reason is sound, but the only person it hurts is me. I say rest when your body says so, but do not fall into the trap of mediocracy. I have certainly done that lots of times. 

  I still think the best poster I saw at a tri-leisure for motivation. “No matter how slow you go you’re still lapping everybody on the couch”

Thanks for reading here are some numbers.

Acts of kindness: 280

Km: 199

Sit ups: 3150

Push ups: 3150

Da mu hsing: 57

Drum stick form: 71

Spar: 103