I have always shown my family great gratitude to the fact that we talk a lot. I have had many hours and long talks that have continued for years on issues that we are going through.
It did get to a point in our relationship where it felt like I was the middle man and used as a neutral party in discussions between family for many issues. It felt like I was an unlicensed therapist, but even that eventually faded after more talks about how it made me feel.
I am not trying to say my family is perfect and there is never anything to fix, or mend. It just seems to me that we always communicate whenever we have issues with each other or be an ear to listen. I have had many moments in my life with my father where he did things that, possibly other family’s could have fallen apart easily. My Father has definitely made huge mistakes, but I still talk to him about them and help him continue on his path. As he still helps me with mine.
Besides family affairs my friend side has also been for the most part good as well. I don’t have to many friends, but the ones I do have a relationship with has been really good. I have had friends that became very negative and effective my life poorly, but I have no desire to see them again. All I hope for the friends that ended badly with me is that they have a successful and happy life. I am not on bad terms with the friendships that have ended.
So after I looked at my relationships between family and friends I see no mending needed. When I think of the term relationship I see my relationship with life needs mending. I am literally living my life in a basement. I live in a house with 4 roommates and I get along with them fine, but I keep to myself. I see my parents on Friday and Saturday to play games, and Tuesday, Thursday I go out to Kung fu. I keep my interactions with the outside world to the highest minimum possible. I do all my kung fu practice in my confine room in the basement. I could easily go outside and practice with lots of room, but I don’t to avoid any possible interaction moments.
Interactions with strangers freaks me out. I would say when in the moment of talking to people I feel comfortable with my conversations tend to go on forever. I enjoy talking with people I know. I even consider joining an anime club that is adult ages and I have never gone, because I have to register to go and I chicken out every time. I even heard that there were a some there around my age. I have always enjoyed keeping to myself and never exposing myself outside, because I don’t want to take a chance on being judged on how I look. I’m content when I am in my literal hobbit hole, but I’m not happy. I’m the very cause of this. Life feels easier when no one can see you, but I cause myself to be more alone. I am a bad friend and a poor family member outside of my parents. I never make the effort once to contact anyone. They have made the effort to contact me, but I never returned it.
I do have gratitude for all the good things in my life. They are always at the forefront of my mind. It did not always have them, but even that took a long time to build up. I do believe I was harshly scared mentally when I was in junior high. I had many bully’s and the thing some girls said to me stuck with me all the way to 36. I know back then they were just kids and kids can be cruel, but unfortunately that cruelty can have lasting effects on some.
I always remember that one moment in my life where I accidentally bumped into a girl in the hallway and we both fell on the ground, and I was about to help her back up and say “sorry are you ok?” But then she responded with a simple one word response “ew” with a look of disgust on her face. I just walked away angry and thought who cares. Psychologically wise I never really got over it. I never believed anyone when they say something positive about me. I have gotten better, but I am clearly not all the way there yet. Even when I had a girlfriend and she told me I was handsome I had doubts. I still do, but she must of been at least somewhat attracted to me. I want interactions out in the real world, but I don’t want the consequences for putting myself out there.
I have watched a few things about showing that caring about what random people think of you is so minuscule in the grand scheme of things. I truly do know I am my biggest barrier here and the only thing right now holding me back is me. I even keep a bunch of quotes on my phone about how to have no fear. I can’t control what could happen out there if I put myself out there, but I still have it. I still fear it.
This was a really long blog and became bigger the more I thought about it as I typed, but thank you for taking your time to read all of this. I really admire that quality. Anyways here are some numbers.
Acts of kindness: 300
Km: 214
Sit ups: 3500
Push ups: 3500
Da mu hsing: 61
Drum stick form: 77
Spar: 108
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