Grand People

Hello I just want to say thank you to all who gave me encouragement and nice comments to read. I really appreciate them and took a lot of what was said to heart. I had a really good talk recently and seen that I need to take care of myself and try and find ways to boost my self confidence. Also I got to stop looking for distractions in my life and start looking for things I want to be doing in my life. Now I will try to explain that better, but I could not think of a better way to say it. 
    I go to kung fu, I read Manga and light novels, I play video games, I play Dungeon and Dragons, Hanging out with friends. I put all these things into the category of distracting myself from my life; so I don't have to think about it. When I am alone I think of my life and become more depressed and become more depressed( I know I typed it in twice ) I have to start thinking when I am by myself what great things have I experienced today and what new wonders await for me tomorrow.      
     Everything I put in the distraction list I have to change my way of thinking of those things, because I do enjoy all those things I do, but after those things I do are done I normally return to my deep dark self hating dungeon. I want to turn my distractions into a fun part of my day, then when I am done doing them I continue to pursue the grander things in my life. I need to find a way to be happy with myself when I am alone.
  I remember when I was younger and had no concept of self yet; I just lived. What I mean by that is when I was younger I enjoyed every new thing in life that came at me. I did not care what I looked liked to the world. I did not care whether I had a girlfriend or not; I just wanted to enjoy being me. Now that I'm older I think about all of those things all the time when I am by myself. I think about how I'm overweight, I think I am ugly, I think I am just a big whiney baby who has a great life, but does not appreciate it, I fear of being alone forever. I don't want to be in my 40's or 50's by the time I meet my first real girlfriend. I currently have a low experience rate at dating. Heck I still get flustered at holding a womans hand ( someone I might be interested in only though) Which to me seems like something that I should of gone through in jr high or high school, but that did not happen for me.
  I did not have a very social life growing up. I only started to develop any sort of social life when I came back to kung fu.
   Anyways I know I have a lot to work on for my self mentally and physically. I started this blog thinking I was gonna write so many positive things then it kinda went the other way, but I was just trying to say I know I have to change my way of thinking and start enjoying my life more, because they are so many grand people in my life and I don't want to be known as that depressed guy. I might already by now be known for that, but I really don't want that. I will change and I want to like myself.
     Don't know how to end it so just gonna say see you in the next blog.


Sifu R . Langner