My Head Space

  I would say right now I’m am crashing a little bit right now. I keep building up fears and doubt. I keep making the bad choice. Why do I keep doing the worse choice in my life? Because it is easier. If I hide no one will know I exist. People will eventually forget me. It is inevitable. 

 How many would still remember if I quit now? Maybe some for a bit, but eventually I would disappear. I do a horrible job myself at keeping in touch with the friends I do have. I don’t call I don’t check in with them. I am never curious about their said life. If they call me I interact, but beyond that after they leave I go back to hiding.

  I’m the pinnacle of mediocracy for me right now. I am the representation of mediocracy. In the dictionary you see my picture used as an example. I did not want to write a blog today, but I am. 

 My weight is 264 lbs. I keep making bad choice’s in food and zero exercise. I am on my way to becoming 300 lbs again. Only 30 lbs to go. At least that is something I might accomplish. 

 Doing nothing in life is easy and destructive. This path I’m on leads me to be isolated and losing friends. I don’t mind being by myself sometimes, but I have little energy and confidence to be around others. I isolate, because I don’t want to be judged. I know as humans we judge ourselves and others at all times, but we grow up to not force others to live by what we judged them to be and let their actions speak for themselves to who they are.

  I don’t want people to see me failing. Clothes fit worse. My 2XL t shirts used to be really baggy , but now feel a little tight. I am disappointed and disgusted in myself. I want to have a family and home of my own someday, and I do nothing. I believe I need to get myself better before I can even think of looking for my better half. 

  I am still as this moment thinking of if I will participate in the maintenance week. I don’t want to go, because people will see me. I don’t want to be seen by the public or anyone. 

 I know the right choice is to go. I know the right choices to make to become better. All I am missing is the me to do it. I am avoiding responsibility. I don’t have to be held accountable if no one sees me. If I don’t see anyone then I cannot be held accountable. 

 I’m becoming and maybe already there, but afraid of people and responsibilities. I don’t want to look bad in front of everyone, but I did it to myself. When I say responsibilities I mean to others and myself to becoming a better me. 

   I’m really holding myself back right now. I feel as though I am just talking in circles right now. Step one acknowledge somethings wrong, step two formulate a plan to get out of said issue, step three execute said plan and repeat step one if issues arise.  

  Right now the part I’m stuck in is getting to step three. Enacting said plan, action and consistent action. 

Anyways I hope you all understand why I thank you for reading my blogs all the time. It does come from a place of gratitude, but also an acknowledgement to the powerful skill of being interactive of reading someone else’s blog. I read other people blog sometimes, but I don’t because I am lazy and not engaged. I envy you who read my blog on your time. To me that is an astounding feat of great accomplishment. 

So I thank you for reading my blog. You are inspiring to me for what you accomplish. Unfortunately no new numbers to post.

 

  

Editing

   I have been learning a lot about editing videos lately. I feel as though I have been taking the hardest path to learn on how to edit. I used a few different programs and have finally settle on one; Adobe pro. 

  The program is really good to use and honestly made more for people who are very aware of how the program works. I have become functional on it now. The big down side is you have to pay a monthly subscription to use it. 

 I have already tried free options and so far I have had a lot of issues to the point I had to completely restart two videos I made due to some issue with the program or most likely me.

  This learning a new skill I never thought I would ever do has been a fun experience so far. It has had its ups and downs, but it has been good.

  Kung fu was even better this week. I am still not making the best choices, but I am making some good ones. My life will be making a 100 percent turnaround if I can just stick with the discipline of making good choices. 

  To be fair real life does not allow anyone to always make the best choices at all times, but life does give us a lot of opportunities to make them and we just need to see them and use them.  

  I have also never been more proud of a form that I have created than my drum stick form. It has two primary goals when doing the form. First is to properly learn the drum beats for the 3 star, 5 star, and closing. Second is if someone drums for the form they have to make sure they use the proper technique to achieve the sounds the form does. There are definitely more things that this form does, but that is why I said primarily. 

Another one that I also think is big is it teaches tempo for the drumming and form. In the form you must constantly move from technique to technique while still trying to finish the technique before you move on.(same as other forms we practice) but the big difference for the drum stick form is the tempo of the drum. You have to keep in time and together to make this form work. 

  A drummer should be able to follow the whole form and keep and consistent beat. As the drummer you really learn ever inch of the drum sequence, because you have to slow it down so the person doing the form can keep up with you. If you drum to fast and out of tempo the form gets demolished.

  Well that’s all I have for today. I thank you for giving me your time to read my blog. Anyways here are some numbers:

Acts of kindness: 1050

Km: 1150

Sit ups: 6700

Push ups: 6700

Da mu hsing: 120

Drum stick form: 160

Spar: 108

Hardwork

   Hard work is something that I have mostly lost in my everyday life. When I am at a job I work my butt off and try to achieve and do the best possible job I can do and always striving to be better. When I stop work I fall into a slump. I may as well be a robot put on the charger until next job starts.

  I willing make choices that slowly make my life harder. I want to achieve all these goals in my life with none of the effort. These unrealistic ideas hurt me more. I stay home and do nothing except watch YouTube and eat food. Every Friday I visit my parents to play board games. That’s my current life.

  I don’t think there is anything wrong with spending time with family and having a time of rest at home. I am very grateful that I have such a good and close relationship with my parents and I do love just chilling out at home, but someone like me who wants to achieve more things in his life I need to put the hard work into achieving these goals.  I need to start adapting the attitude, again in my life, of even if I don’t feel like doing something, I should do it anyways. 

  It is so easy to not do the right thing in my life. When I do get work my kung fu gets derailed. Then when I lose work I pick the wrong path and choose to do nothing more with kung fu for months then I eventually disappear. Then one day I get a small spark and do Kung fu again, then my life gets better, because I re-introduce hard work into my life again. Then the cycle begins again.

  On this cycle for me the big difference compared to other times is my blogs used to be full of very negative and depressing words that eventually makes me disappear. It’s not bad to have negative emotions, but I let the negativity feed me and grow worse. Then I would eventually stop blogging. That is the time for me if I stop blogging I am shouting at the top of my lungs I need help, but in silence.

 This time for me I have been trying to show my hard times and struggles while also looking for positives and even cheerleading myself in my blog. “Go Randy Go” I could write all the good stuff here and still not take action, but I need to still keep saying it, because once I stop I will start down a worse path.

 I need to keep pointing out when I fail, but not let it rule me. I need to learn from my mistakes and let it improve me. I need to put in the hard work in life, because I know where my life will head if I don’t start putting the hard work in. I have seen many people in my life who achieved peak mediocracy. I did not like what I saw and that’s the way my life is currently heading. 

  I am still learning a lot about this editing thing for videos. I have been enjoying at least learning more about the videos I have been making and uploading to YouTube. If YouTube ever worked out for me I would be really happy, but for now it’s a fun hobby.

 As you might have already guessed but no numbers this week. You all reading my blogs are true legends in my books, because I know you also read others as well and I will always be grateful to you all who do so. So thank you for being legendary and hopefully I start making better choice this week and continue to make better choices.

Timing

  I would like to say I am talking about timing in kung fu, but I am not. I tried to think when I had good or bad timing in my life when I tried to achieve something. The results are absolutely chaotic.

   I went and did 9 months of heavy duty mechanics school(1st, 2nd year) then when I got out a huge recession hit the trade. When I lost a lot of weight and was in a good head space my Mother earned her black belt and inspired me to go back to kung fu. I got into electrical and was able to solidly have a job throughout my whole apprenticeship years, and actually get to learn while working, but at the same time the trade took a $8.00 cut to there wages.

     I decide to attempt a YouTube channel that would have a better chance of becoming big 10 years ago. Now I am finally giving it a go, but it will be harder now, than it was back then. 

    I feel as if when I try to better myself the opportunity’s become more abundant, or I finally opens my eyes and started using the opportunities that have always been available to me. As for attempting making a solid living money wise. I would not say I am hurting for money, but I feel as if I am in a limbo state. 

   That is probably because for the past almost year or more the amount of work I have done is very little. It has been really good money, but short term. I am consistently not struggling with financially, but also not growing either. It’s great that I have been able to not struggle financially and I am really grateful for it, but I have not been able to make progress in having my own place someday.

  I do know right now for work B.C is booming with work, but I am afraid if I try to move there and look for work, I will be in the same place here, just in B.C paying higher taxes.

  I got asked the other day, why don’t I move to B.C? What is keeping me here? I could not really say family, because I enjoy their company, but I am also ok with being far away from them for a long time. I grew up with my parents always gone for work to support my upbringing. I will always love and respect my parents for it. Being an only child and no siblings I got used to being alone. I had some friends, but most of the time I was alone.

   Anyways back on track for B.C question. I thought of kung fu.  It has been a huge part of my life and shaped me who I am today. I know I can still do kung fu if I moved, but I already know I wouldn’t. Maybe a little bit at first, but then it would die down to nothing. I don’t feel comfortable with that.

  I would like to keep pursuing this YouTube thing, because it is fun and I am learning a lot about editing and how I want to shape my channel. I also know right now the YouTube thing can only consider a hobby at the moment, because I make zero dollars from it and it could take years until it actually becomes something.

  So realistically I still need to pursue my actual career right now, but I am having issues finding work. Because I am from a union, non union places don’t even give me a call or message me. I assume it is because they might think because I am a union worker I must be lazy, and it might be true for some , but not for me. Unfortunately I can only prove it if they hire me, but they play the odds that I won’t be good and I have met a lot of union workers who are really bad. That’s all assumption based, but it could be close. 

   Also a lot of places I am trying to looking into are wanting electricians, but you must pretty much be close to retirement age who has worked the trade all your life and no longer needs training. I can say with confidence if you have been doing the trade for over 40 plus years they are in high demand right now. 

  This has been a long rant on some stresses I have been having and frustration. I realize things could be worse for me and they are not. So I can find some happiness in that. I will say I was able to do a little kung fu this week. So I have some numbers to report.

  I will say thank you so much for reading my rant. This is a lot, but the fact you got to the end makes me really appreciate you all. Anyways here are some numbers:

Acts of kindness: 1000

Km: 1100

Sit ups: 6400

Push ups: 6400

Da mu hsing: 117

Drum stick form: 150

Spar: 108