How Do I Want to Be Remembered?

 I have thought about this sometime in life and never really put much thought into it. I tend to never brag or tell people I meet or even at work who I am. I have worked well over 2 years at a job and no one there knew I even practiced kung fu.

I have joked with friends at being the best at something, but never actually thinking I’m the best. That is probably a separate issue of mine where I usually don’t give myself any credit for things I have accomplished.

  I have done kind acts in secret a lot, because in my mind the goal was achieving the kind act and I’m self satisfied. Sometimes people find out, but I don’t seek other peoples approval for the good deed I accomplished.

  I don’t try and make connections outside of the micro circle I have. I actually believe I will someday just be completely forgotten right away. The small blip I was in this massive thing we call life.

 I know technically everyone meets certain aspects of being forgotten over time. I know they are probably billions of people that no one even knows they ever existed. The only true way to be remembered is to accomplish something truly grand historically; good or bad.

  So in the grand scheme of things that’s why I have seen so many books or videos explaining the importance of the here and now and to live life to the fullest. Take chances and maybe something amazing will happen. 

 I know for fact that depending what you do in life is how you will be remembered. Some maybe short, some maybe longer, or the rare few being timeless. I realize focusing on how I will be remembered will not really get me anywhere.

  At least not for me. If anything it makes me think about how much I am wasting my here and now. I am simply a jelly blob. I’m not really contributing to society and I’m not really moving my life forwards. I’m simply have a pair of lungs that can breath. 

   I honestly am wondering what I am waiting for. I’m waiting for the perfect time that will never show up. I’m waiting to lose weight without putting in the effort. I’m trying to move my life forward while I live in my hobbit hole. 

  I have already got to experience that I was close to losing my life after my major car accident(I found out almost a year after the accident from my father the truly dire situation I was in). So a near death experience did not truly motivate me. I have lost a small amount of people from my life forever, and I still was only temporarily motivated. 

 I do remember a few times in life I have been motivated and one was to get my black belt. My mother achieving her black belt inspired me to go back to kung fu and change my life forever for the better. I guess it’s fair to say that sometimes in life there will be motivation and sometimes in the low points there will not be any.

   I don’t really have anything in my life right now that is motivational. I have some outlets I have used to keep me going slightly, but always slightly. I just right now see clearly a path I have laid before me going faster into the ground. Completely bypassing life at a breakneck speed.

  It does get tiring making blog after blog about how miserable my head space can be sometimes. I would like even saying that I have brought forward my issues so now I can start to heal, but I don’t. Multiple blogs I have pointed out my problems and what I need to do and how to do, to fix my problems. Then after the blogs done I do nothing most of the times.

  Do I have to wait to change my life around after it gets even worse? I know the right answer is no and I could prevent it now, but after this blog the only confident thing I can say is I won’t be changing tomorrow. I will maybe have a day or two, but I will be back there shortly.

 I can be so confident in being useless, but not in being positive, because being positive would require me to start pushing that boulder up hill finally. Confident in mediocrity but not extraordinary. I have a poor attitude right now. Being lazy is my strongest trait. 

 I love my parents. I am apart of a positive community called the I ho chuan. They’re people out there that do care about me. I can be a better person. I have the potential to be better. I needed to end this blog on a positive note, because I was going down a dark rabbit hole there.

  Thank you for reading my long blog. No new numbers.