I have always wondered why am I conscious of me and my surroundings. Why am I going through life? What am I trying to accomplish? Will I just be another human that lived during a random century, or will I become remembered in history for something? Do I want to be remembered in history?
I feel like sometimes I exist to make others happy my parents, friends, family. I strive for a career that is interesting, but what else? I enjoy my hobbies, reading, Kung Fu, food, friends, but all of this feels just okay. I live for others because I would feel horrible if I was to cause anyone pain from me being gone. Is that alright though? to just live because others would be sad? I don't feel a strong drive for being alive. I feel as though I am here just until I am done then that's it. I want to accomplish things of course; like becoming a better black belt, becoming really good at my job, travelling more of the world. I would say starting a family, but I don't see that happening anytime soon. Rather it might never happen ever.
I would say right now I am still striving for the most out of life. I know when I am with others I feel amazing and have tons of fun, but when I am by myself I am just in standby mode waiting for someone to come along so I may activate again and have fun. I do have genuine fun when I am doing any of these things I have said here, and sometimes can't wait until next time.
I am just confused right now. I guess you could say a lot of this thought does stem from never being in a real relationship. Where someone wants you and is interested in you. You know it physically hurts my heart and I feel it whenever I think about that. I want to share my life with someone, but I don't think I will ever get the chance. If I do, I feel like I will be on my death bed by the time I get to feel any of that.
Well I don't like this blog. I don't like it when I do the whole "poor me" blog.
Sifu Langner
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